" Sometimes the smartest person can be pretty dumb.. "

Ok, so the first post after i changed my blog link. (:

weeee!

I am employed.. and life still kinda sucked.

So yea..

But i have this nagging feeling in me, and its very hard for me to talk.

And now, as in talking to my family has been..

INCREASINGLY HARD.

I dont know.

Maybe it was like that since last time.

Then I created a fantasy in my head thinking that everything was pretty fine.

And my mom was cool and so on.

(yea, she is cool.. and scary)

So its pretty much nonsense thou.

Pfffft.

Kinda sucks.

Cos I feel as if I am going throu the '16 year old' phase again.

Nobody understands what you are saying.

Sigh, and sometimes people around you can be such jerks.

Esp brothers.

Sigh, he can be sooo nice.

But sometimes it feels as if he suddenly had his period and starts PMS-ing.

Its really annoying.

Also, the worst thing is he's pretty smart.

(As compared to me)

Sidenote: I think my IQ has dropped rapidly these days

So whenever we quarrel on something, its difficult to have something smart thrown at him.

Even if its smart, he will just throw it back at you and make you look stupid.

Urgh, fuck.. right?

Interacting with him is like interacting with a timebomb.

With no indication when it will blow.

It is easy to have a conversation with him.

But when he gets cranky, oh man..

I avoid his path.

So its dangerous.

Thats a reason I interact very little with him at times.

He can be very nice and very nasty.

But at least he isnt 2 faced, cos he can be super duper straightforward and stubborn.

Ooo, ok.

im done ranting.

I FEEL SO GOOOD!

Sigh, I so do not want to go work on mondays. ):

it sucks.

The worse thing is to handle something which they said to set an expectation for.

Siao.

How can I??!

Sian sian sian sian sian

So, im officially left without the strings of freedom

and am not allowed to make any excuses for not working.

How dreadful.

Yeahyeah, I know.

'Stop being a lazy bone?'

Cant help it, I AM a lazy person.

Sigh, but staying at home is something one should not do.

Its bad for the health, it strains on your friendship (some) ,

your mental states gets wayyy twisted.

Its horrible.

Something I tried and experienced,

but I 'die-die' dont want to snap out of it.

Now I am questioning myself daily..

'Whats wrong with you, you lazy-as-hell woman'

Sigh, its bad.

On one side; moaning and dreading of working.

while the other ;

moans too about staying at home and getting grilled for not getting a job.

Its not cool when you get grilled in this manner.

It sucks, ALOT.

So, why is staying at home (for too long) not a good thing.

Here's why ;

1. Sleep late, wake up late.

Why do I sleep late?

Because I am doing something unproductive

like watching shows or staring at the TV for hours.

Ask me what am i good at..

I can sit at the TV for hours and still watch reruns of anything

that involves good looking guys and interesting plot.

You see?! UNPRODUCTIVE.

*strangles self*

So I can watch and surf the net for hours till wee mornings or mornings.

6am to be precise.

Yea, ship me off to America.

I think I would do ok there.

So to compromise the lack of sleep my body thought is needed.

It makes me sleep additional time, as compared to what I require.

Prolly 7 & 8 hours is enough.

Nope, my body makes me sleep till 3 0r 4pm.

You see, half of my day just goes 'poof'.

And the cycle begins again.

Im gonna look like a grandma by the age of 30.

I better sleep early.

(Oh, surprise. It's 1am and im still typing away.)

So,yeah. That's number 1 for u.

-----------------

The 'thinking' department has never been under my forte.

Never,ever, ever,ever.

I cant think straight at times, even when im sober.

Sometimes, I dont think before I speak.

I take a long time to think through decisions.

But,never ending up making a wise one.

So, adding up what has been said in number 1.

Not enough sleep + someone who lacks brilliance in the thinking department

= haywired mess.

Results are proven to be horrid.

Need not mention horrid twice, because its already is.

Hah!

(You see; NOT THINKING)

gosh.

Plus, studies showed that people

lacking sleep or having too much sleep will cause health issues.

1. You die early.

2. Your cognitive areas kinda starts to get haywired.

(These terms are not textbook terms)

Oh, and another..

Your memory starts failing you.

You see, this is 'bollocks' and ridiculous.

So, you see..

This and that adds up to the current anxiety I posses.

I think too much and at times think too little.

But either ways, its causing me ALOT of trouble.

So yea, Im turning into an emo nemo or emo bitch.

(minus the slashing, unless thinking of doing it is included)

Previously, I get awkward.

Now, im horridly awkward.

I cant find the right words for the right time.

And whenever I get the hint of awkwardness,

I wanna kill myself.

This is also the dark side of being at home for too long.

You do not interact much, you stop going out and have a life.

Its horrible.

And you think about weird stuff.

----------------------------------------

Sigh.

(Have been sighing alot lately)

Grandpa told mum that bad luck follows when you sigh.

Hmm..

So I have another cycle.

I sigh because i think im in a bad situation, then bad luck tags along..

So another bad situation, and another sigh, and another bad luck.

Never ends.

So, eunice stop sighing.

----------------------

Well, permit me to sigh again.

This is necessary.

I have come to see that some of my friendship webs have gone down south.

Well, it happened before and it happens again.

So kinda its my fault.

But,allow me to defend myself..

(2 hands to clap and make a sound)

But that was in defense, so I shall not be charged.

Why would I say that?

Im not finger pointing, I do admit Im in the wrong.

And well, just leave it to that.

But one thing is to be sure,

Its the old drama with the new twist.

Hate it when this happens.

The jibes, the taunts, the sarcasm.

Something im overly familiar with.

Well, let bygones be bygones.

If im still your friend, i will deeply appreciate it if you stop the taunts.

---------------------------

Ok, at least the dark mental state of mine is slowly fading as I type.

It always helped when I write or blog (in a personal manner) ,

it calms me down and makes everything lighter.

But writing makes my hand ache, and im more attuned to typing now.

(Oh god, what am I supposed to do when i enter uni?!)

-fml-

S0, i read a letter a friend wrote to me previously.

(i love handwritten letters, thats why I like writing them.

pardon the handwriting thou.)

I was deeply touched by what she wrote in it.

Even though she wrote it long before my birthday,

but I hope she's not wrong.

That I have not change drastically or turned for the worst.

Because I slowly think I am.

It hurts horribly when you think you are getting worst,

when you start getting over paranoid and such.

Like you get scared whether can you fit into the social circle,

without feeling awkward.

Because my 'fight or flight' system comes up, and I choose the latter.

I run, like a rhino... from these situations.

Hide or cover things up with white lies.

To save my awkward ass from burning.

Its dreadful.

Now, my blog posting sounds like a confession.

-chuckles to self-

Oh well, transparency is the policy.

"Be honest with others and yourself."

-----------------------------

To sum things up..

I have to pull up my pants and my socks..

No matter how dreaded I may be with going forward into the future.

I have to do it.

(Im unwilling to move out of my comfort zone.)

So, its going to take alot of effort to pull this off.

I would have to keep moving on even if it with trepidation.

Im just so worried what the future holds now.

So worried and afraid, that I wouldnt take another step out.

I need to coax myself to 'dip my toe' into the cold waters,

or someone please just shove me in.

Urgh.

-----------------------

For now, I have to live with the constant naggings.

Bless me.

"Prove to me otherwise."

BLOG,
WHY ARE YOU SO DEAD?

i havent blogged about anythang at all.
its so sad.
Anw, I went to taiwan during march..
with my best friends.
Well, it was close to perfect.
They were the ones who were perfect.
Not me. :/

Anyhoo, im gonna graduate soon.
Blah, having interpersonal relationship problems.
its bad. -rawrs-
but ohwell, gonna take it slowwww.

im rotting.
pssssh~

ok, im gonna change my blog address.
yay yay yay!

"And it goes down from here..."

Ahh, as I am blogging this.
I am slowly edging to the end of Week 11 of my 3rd year.
So fast.

I still remember I was complaining and contemplating of quitting school in year 1.
I was asking "wtf, did i come this school. Should I just go ITE?"
Then, things became positive.
The people I met, the things I was learning.
I was counting down by days.
During year 2 sem 2 I was saying..
"I wanna graduate.. FAST!"

Now I am pretty much thrown off guard.
Because I am going to graduate in a few weeks.
Then thats my next step in my life.
Work? Studies? Or what?
Confusing and really daunting for me.
(I never plan. Always impromptu)

Bad habit that must be kicked.

So, just I kinda went to see my results.
and bla, i still failed my science.
waste my money and time.
Sorry mommy. ):
Remind to self; email Rowena about it.

Anywhoo..
I am getting really frustrated.
I do not know whether is this frustration directed to my self..
Or directed to people who caused this frustration.

You know what I am always trying to please you.
Trying to make conversations, (I try hard not to make it awkward)
But!!! In the end, I feel as if I am talking to myself.
Very angry and upset at the same time.
Its funny how I want to talk and understand you people.
Yet, I just can bite my lips.
To prevent any more awkward moments.

Seriously, I felt really exhausted once I left.
its the same feeling I felt previously.
Always this suffocating and unbearing tension.
I feel, I rather go alone (and I did feel better when I was alone)
How contradicting.
I seeked for companionship, but I felt so much better alone.

I just have to remind myself,
its ok. I do not need to please everyone.
Let it be.
So, inner me..
Please dont feel upset when you feel left out.
Its not really that bad anyway.

Enough of my ranting..
Anywhooooo!!!
I am learning how to play the guitar, AGAIN!!
:D
Bro teaching me power chords, and apparently..
Those chords can be used for different songs~
Awesome much?!
Learning how to play Dashboard Confessional's
Belle of the Boulevard.

From verse 1 to chorus is done.
Just need to get the hang of the finger placement and long pauses.
lol~
Hopefully, by some time..
I can know how to play a full song~
:D

Indeed, my dog (pudding) and music (guitar) calms me down.
Because after hugging Pudding and practising on my guitar.
I felt so tired that I slept for 3 hours~
Thats why Im blogging at 11pm now.
Very energetic now.
But after this, I need to revise psychology (P6-10)
so i can coach a friend.

Like WTFBBQ, right?
Eunice is teaching people. -.-
I hope i dont screw up neither screw my friend's grade up.
Please!

ok la, gotta go revise.
Ohya, I miss my eyecandy~

" Funny, how we are.. "

Bad habits, that are too hard to kick.
I am filled with flaws, countless I mean.
I cant speak perfect english, I have acne (bad case) , I dont look proportionate,
neither do I look healthy, I dont have..
Wait, why am I hogging about this issue when,
I was supposed to blog about something else.
- chuckles and shakes her head wryly -

But the things I was supposed to blog is kinda related,
to what I wrote.
One thing to add to my growing list;
I have issues.

Like,honestly.. I think I do.
Sometimes, I do not know what to tag that feeling that overcomes me.
Sadness, rage, jealousy?
(It only happens when there's negative emotions)
But, I daresay.. I shun negative emotions really fast.
Like ASAP.
I would force myself to think about other things.
Call it escaping, but I am not strong to face it.
I have been running.
But lets leave that topic for some other post.

It happens to me, I can tell you.
I aint any saint.
I cant hold my temper, I cant hold my feelings when I feel jealous or hurt.
But sometimes, I try so hard.
To hold it all in, so others wont feel bad.
I question myself; am I doing this for them or myself?
The lines between this 2 has blurred haphazardly.
I just get so upset thinking about this.

True enough, when i get good grades..
I feel really good..
But when I hear others getting better grades..
Something just overwhelms me.
This is that feeling that i cant name.
Am I angry?
Why cant I be happy and GENUINELY happy for them?
I honestly feel I am a very selfish person.
This is something I have been fighting since secondary school.

But in the end, I always end up running away.

Now all I can chant in my head;
"You can do better and try harder next time"

But really, will I?
Can I?

" the weigh of the bad and good. "

I dont know.
I am having that feeling of being exasperated and upset,
yet I want to come upon as i dont give a shit.

im so frustrated.
damn

" There's so many things.. "

I havent been blogging for a while now.

I just didnt have the 'feel' to blog.

Whereas now, I have something to blog about.

Or maybe just rants.

I dont know.

Sigh, I just realized I am sinking into mud again.

At first, I thought it was just plain fun to joke and act all delirious.

But I had just set the trap for myself.

I pushed myself into it, and tadaa..

I am in trouble now.

I have been constantly worrying and thinking about this person.

I didnt expect this to actually happen.

I thought, this would blow over.

Maybe its in my system that I have to someone to dream about,

or maybe i would just collapse.

Since secondary school, it was pretty alright.

But after reaching poly, esp Year 3.

things are getting out of hand.

Sigh, I am worried for myself.

Living in self delusional lies was not what I was hoping for.

This is worrisome.

Also, I realised...

That I am becoming a really bad person.

A bad friend, especially.

I am slowly turning into this 2 faced creature that I have always hated.

My tongue has been wagging viciously at whatever that I wasnt happy about

I am a bad person. ):

A bad friend.

"A thin line between fun and offensive"

Ok, chemistry was plain shitty.
I dont know how to do.
FAIL LIAO.
F9 liao.

Procrastination became my best friend. ):

Physics on Monday.
-prays hard-
Ok la, even burn paper and drink also wont work
I never study, how to pass?
You tell me?

But please please, give me the strength and encouragement to study.
I really need it.
Oh Buddha!! ):
(Sorry, I get really superstitious when it comes to this)

Anyway, MY FRIDAY IS BORING.
We're supposed to go Night Safari (Halloween) one.
Then.. sigh...
All in the soup (direct trans please)

Ok lor, study lor.
(As if, I will..)

HAIYO, Can give me something to do not??
Hands so itchy and painful (cos pudding bit me)
That PUDDING. -.-

looks harmless, but once his teeth lands on ur skin..
GONE CASE.
sibei pain.

But he's been play biting recently.
cute to the max.
how can a puppy looks so cute ah?

Especially when he's exhausted.
So awesomely cute.
(: keke

-----------------------------

Anyway, your little prank may look fun.
And I dont mind playing it for a while.
Nevertheless, thank you for bringing such a playful surprise today.

But enough hor, keke.
If you love me and treat me as a friend (I hope u do)
Please dont continue with the texts, k?
Cos I will 'fan lian'..

1 day - mini happiness is enough for me. (:
Thanks anyway.


"Am buying a harness, in case I fall to my death"
-touchwood,touchwood-

"Let's always make sure our Friendship never sinks.."

This was what I told my Primary 3 friend.
We used to draw cards and wear matching outfits when I go her house.
We would write long paragraphs on each other's book to remind that,
we will still be friends.
But soon, after I left Rosyth with horrible results..
We lost contact.

That goes to another friend of mine.
During Pri 5, I looked like a freakish giant.
(I still am, just vertically challenged now.)
But I had this awesome BFF who would come my house to play with Roy.
Oh, roy is my Pomeranian.
And in class, we would sing Jolin Tsai's 72 changes.
I miss my friend. ):

But I know, things changes.
When you grow older, you change too.
I dont even know if I would to go forward to say 'Hi', would they ignore me?
-sigh, I miss Cheryl & Rachel..-

Then, next came secondary school.
School was fun, ok.. kind of..
I was always creating trouble.
But I met good company and friends, which was awesome.
I still couldnt believe that in those 4 years..
I managed to hang out with Buzzard's seniors, talk to them and spend time there.
Also, if I am not wrong..
I may have ripped some of senior's clothes when we played catching.
I am always too rough to be a girl. -.-

Running around in school, staying late then go around.
Awesome. (:
But the friends I met there, esp those whom i had closest memories with.

First; Grace..
She was my first best friend in YYSS.
We hung out VERY often, and my parents always drove both of us to eat and such.
Our brothers even met before. haha.
Then she would teach me how to do cute stuff and etc.
Ahhh, she's someone I treasure alot.
Because whenever I got a tantrum and fights with my father.
(Oh ya, I am a damn rebellious kid when I was in Sec 1 & 2)
Then the first person I would call, while crying..
Would be Grace~ (:
Hanging out with her, allowed a brief moment of happiness when I hung out with her friends.
XY & WJ; a brief friendship.
And I am always her lightbulb when she par tor.
To me; she's like a sister.

Then next, Samantha!~
We hung out together because Grace was our common friend.
Then we became closer and closer after Grace got boyfriend.
Also, because we like korean boys. (SUPER JUNIOR)
lol.
We began to hang out, talking about SJ and even having quizzed on SJ.
lol, epic.. right?!
She is also the one whom made me believe in building friendships.
Because when I said "Friends didnt matter" during sec 2 , all of my friends was furious.
Including sam. hahaha.
We would play catching in school, hang around HDB void deck and etc.
Slack our time away.

Next was mingyan and amanda.
It was nice to hang out with them.
Whenever sam + both of them and me tgt; we are called the KIMLEEs.
We would do kpoppish stuff together.
Have fun, go crazy.
Drink, play cards..
We always laugh and do epic stuff together as 4.

Then, soon...
Sam, grace and me had vanessa in our group!
It was quite a surprise when grace got closer to van.
Sam & I werent pleased, lol.
Sorry hor, I love grace too much to share.
But then we became good friends too.
(:
Plus, vanessa used to live near me.
hehe, the fair skinned friend of mine.

Then.. during sec 3 and 4..
(For now I realised, I had lots of friends..But I didnt know how to preserve them)
I had 7 wives. LOL.
Good galfriends; like Shimin, Alyssa, Zhenling, Peiqi, & Gladys.
2 more left, cant remember who. HAHA.

We always fool arounf and such.
Not serious at all.
And I seriously, seriously.. miss alyssa..
Dont know why.
She makes me feel very calmed but hyper at the same time.

But as you know..
if you dont take care of your friendship..
And if it's nt strong.. Forget about it..
It will break.

Sigh..
I just wanted to say..
I really miss Amanda & Alyssa + shimin and chloe.
But after some time, you realised..
It is not possible to grab on something you are not suitable with and what you've lost.

But also!!
For my current friends from RP.
You guys know who you are.
In case you dont, READ HERE!!

RP Peeps that I love with my heart.
Jazreel
Shandy
Yenxi
Ruth
Kayla koala
Eileen
Amanda sim

( I am never really super close with boys, got barrier leh.)


RP Peeps that I miss
Haopeng
Ika
Heidi
Pishan
Charlotte
Jing Jing
Kino
Keith
*Hockey
*Ziheng
(I put u* here, cos I dont know where else to put)

And not forgetting friends not in RP.
I MISS YOU TOO AND LOVE YOU AS MUCH.
Grace, Sam, Sihui & Chloe + many of u~

Okthxbai. (:

" Pull my strings, and command me.."

:D
i love grace, samantha and sihui.
awesome people.
damnit, why didnt we have sihui in our group in secondary school?
She's so nice.
T--T

anyway, its awesome to hang out with the people I love.
i have them to thank when I am happy.
sigh, schools starting soon.
bleah.

time to priorities.
becosssss, lots of my friends are back from their attachment.
hell awesome.

ok then..
now comes my wraith..
im still having sour grapes.
its a bad habit i cant kick.
-moans-

but i was silly enough to think we can be bffs.
pffft, u just wanted another 'friend'..
thank yeah. (:
no matter how much it sucks, i still have to see u.
shit.

"Blogging is a chore, esp when u are as lazy as me. :D "

Listen to FOE (friendsorenemies) radio.
They have lots of awesome alternative punk/pop/accoustics english songs.
- mega likes -

Ok, I havent been blogging.
and its shitty, cos i need to recap almost everything.
Based on my memory, its gonna be a failure.
Why?
I can forget how a person look like after not seeing him for 10minutes.
my brain cells are diminishing rapidly.
- pardon me ; if i start gibberish in the middle of our conversation. -
(:

Here goes nothing then,
so... since the last I blogged.
I just had our newest addition; Pudding.
(He's almost 4 months now.)
His birthday falls on the 26th of October '01
Heheh, im hinting for presents.. k? (:
Apart from 25th feb (me) . kekek.

He's an itchy mouth toy parti-colored poodle.
naughty and playful.
he likes to tag people around the house.
kaypo kia; kind.
He knows how to sit when I tell him to.
(SMART OR WHAT?!)
Toilet trained - in progress.
lol.

Ok, enough of my baby.
Here's a pic of him. (:
Say hello to my Pudding.
- more pics on Facebook -


So, these 2 months or 1 month plus..
Has been my holiday.. a very sluggish holiday.
I think if I am to go USA now..
I would adapt fast.
You know why?
I sleep latest at 6am, wakes at 3pm.
Or earliest, 4am.
My body is in a mess.
Bleah.

But holidays, right??
Best time to meet friends.
I have met up with / went out with..
- W54N clique (barrage,movie,mind cafe)
- Kayla (countless)
- Shandy
- Jazreel and Yenxi
- Grace and sam, plus sihui.
- Yimei (chloe) ; she left for germany. -tears-

Pic Spam

Group photo after our picnic

JUMPSHOTS!

Hanging out with YY (turns u insane)

My present that yenxi brought from thailand

My good buddies.

Settlers with jaz and yen

Date with shandy

Hockey's bday

His brownie = cake

Awesome much?

And, plus..
I celebrated Mid-Autumn festival with my parents.
The DSLR is a very essential tool. hahaha.

Big star

I hart u, kay?

Also, this holiday..
I have seen, heard and finally realised things.
Its awesome and sad at the same time..

Ohya, those that are dissing me cos of my long holidays.
Cease ur diss, school's starting soon.
damn.
A new class. SHIT.

I need to turn into a good person.
pronto.

and fuck, need to study chemistry and physic.
fuck my life. ):

"Puppy over at my house.."

Ok, my family have a new addition.
Its Pudding~
We just got him in the afternoon today.
He's a parti coloured poodle.

I love him.
But now.. he have to be confined in the cage.
Cos need to get him to get used.

But..
I am so stressed.
I am getting cold feet.
Which is not good.
Cos got so much responsibility.
Stress ttm.

Need to feed him, bathe.. and etc.
Omg..
siao liao la.
how how how?

"Is time really a solution?"

People always tell me..
" As time passes, all would be well.."
" Time heals all wounds "
"All you need is time..."

Waseh..
Everything all time.

But have you ever wondered..
The duration of your 'time'...
Does it best reflect your solution?

If you were to apply any of those 3 phrases/statements above.
There would still be a problem.
Example..

"Time heal all wounds.."
How long will it take you to heal all the wounds.
During the duration of 'healing' ...
there is a possibility missing out the good stuffs.

ARGH.
I dont even know what I am saying now.
Feeling so pent up and frustrated. D:

"Pale in comparison"

Sometimes, I dont really know what lies under your words.
You come on as sarcastic at times, but I am ok with it.
After all, how long.. have I been through it..

Sometimes, I am really proud of myself.
Because, I can stand there without tearing or feeling sad.
As your remarks are no longer much of a threat to me.

I read from somewhere..
Pisces tend to be very specific in small details,
and when you hurt them they will remember it.

Well, that fits me.
Because nothing escapes my ears, the underlying sarcasms in your words.
Or the praises/love you have for him.

When I was a kid, this really hurt.
And I regret.. why am I not a boy too?
So you would love me more.
I do not know why..
Am I always trying to please you.
Going out with you..
Making myself look like a clown..
That now, it no longer feels embarrassing whenever I make a fool of myself.

I dont know.
I really dont know anymore.
But i really hope one day, you would know..
I love you so much, that I wished I can do something to make u happy for me.
Because, you never seem to be soft to me.
I wonder...
where has my childhood gone to..

I am so fucking deprived of your love.
But i do not dare to say.
Maybe I am just scared you would hate me if I do.

"Do you know what you are living for?"

For me, I am not sure.
I dont have any goals at the moment.
I see my friends having their own goals and targets.
They have their own lives to live.

I am still sitting on the fence, unsure and afraid of whats about to come.
I dont even know whether the next step I take, will lead me to anywhere.
I constantly evade my self-evaluation.
I do not know, what if once I evaluate my life..
And I know there is no way for me to go, what would I do.

I have a feeling, I am no longer using my mind.
I am just following the constant pattern.
Do what I was programmed for.
I no longer think.

That maybe the reason why the way I speak and write have dropped in standards.
I no longer have the correct word to describe how I am feeling.
I will instead use the word 'awesome' , 'great', 'fine',
even though I know I am not feeling the same.

It gets really horrible when I get angry at petty issues.
I would start to suspect what people are doing behind me.
I get paranoid, and I start thinking.

I am really losing my sanity here.
Maybe I am losing myself as a person.
The worst of it all, I do not want to move away from what I am doing now.
I feel perfectly fine even I screwed my life up.
Only a tinge of fear engulfs me when I think of whats going to happen for the moment.
Was I either going to get a scolding down?
Or would the cane come out of the cupboard like my childhood nightmares.

Then, after a short moment.
The fear goes away, but instead its taken over by defiance.
Anger, and hatred takes over my fear.
I wanted to defy, to fight back.
Scream, shout, throw things, punch or fight.
If I was beaten, I would fight back.
Thats what I would think.
My fear has escalated into anger and fury.

After the anger and fury dissipates, remorse and sadness takes over.
Normally after a small action or followed up chains of actions.
For example, like what my mother did.
She didnt scold, like usual.
Only to appear normal, talking to me in that soft tone.
At that point, I rather she came into my room to scold me.
Instead of pretending that everything is alright.

Right after sadness, it would be the 'self-talk' phase.
Where I would reason with myself.
Like to do better next time, and not let this happen again.
But when I think about it, other thoughts gets into my head.
The defiant thoughts would creep back in.

So, when the self talk phases gets settles.
I would temporarily be encouraged and tell myself;
"I would do better tomorrow"
But in the end, I do not do it.

Which takes me back to the unhealthy circle back there.
I repeat my cycle once again.
I wonder, what can end my misery..
And end the misery of others..?
Because I am seriously, tiring everyone out.
Including myself.
I am getting tired of myself that I am pretty much convinced at times, where ending is good.

-------------

I am too difficult to maintain.
I am too difficult to understand.
I have many faces, you haven't seen.
Maybe those weren't what I wanted you to see.
I am so different.
Different in many different people's eyes.

I need to end this.
Because, I have already seen people giving up on me one by one.
One day, when I give up on myself.
Dont pull me back up anymore.
I am tired.
Maybe I just want to sleep forever.

---------------

If i left, my parents wouldnt be so upset.
At least, my brother is here.
He's better, smarter, popular.
He isnt much of a trouble
Cos, I am the trouble maker.
I dont produce results efficiently.
I cant be smart, neither hardworking.
If I left..
They wouldnt need to spend so much money on me.
They wouldnt need to split their attention.
Even though, the attention for me is minimal.
But..still
They could leave it for him.
Cos even in the animal kingdom...
The best offsprings always lived.
I know, I dont belong to the 'Survival of the Fittest'
I never will.

And maybe when I leave, I would know..
Then, how many people would weep for me.
And maybe then..
It would be all too late.

I do not know, if writing this piece will cause me anything.
Maybe, writing this isnt good.
As it maybe unlucky.
But this is how I feel now.
I seriously, do not have anywhere to let this out now.

I could only talk to silence with written words.
Thats all I was here for.

"Boys are idiots"

Ok, not in general.
But, seriously..
-_-

So, i received a text from a friend.
And well, apparently..
the guy she likes was 'giving' her away to his friend, who likes her.
Why so?

My friend hinted the guy that she likes him alot.
Then, that guy seem to have shown the same.
But!!
All of a sudden, a rumor saying that guy's friend likes my friend too.
Dramatic?
Damn dramatic, machiam korean drama.

So, what did my friend's prince charming do?
He got very generous and kind, he gave my friend away to his friend!!
OMG.
That is like; wtffffff.

So, did he just pull the 'bros before hos' saying?
Yes, he OBVIOUSLY did.
So your bro is more important than the girl la.
wtf, please hor.
My friend is NOT a ball.
She dont need you to push her to ur friend.

Because she likes you.
-sigh-
No matter how much your friend likes her,
she still likes you best.

Can't you do the same?
Like, I know your friends are gonna say.
"You betrayed xxx because of a girl?"
Waseh, please lor.
If you did, just proudly say.
"Cos I love her too.
Too bad for xxx."

(no need to be too mean though)

Tsk!
My friend feels so heartbroken.
Cos all that guy do is to mention;
"eh, you see .. xxx looking at u."
" you should like him back too."
asshole, u not charity hor.

No need to DONATE my friend away.
That guy one, he can come and woo my friend.
NO NEED TO ask you to DONATE her to him.
If he still wants, he's a freeloader/ horny bastard.

Sigh, for me to actually know you.
You know, you freaking disappoint me.
My friend is a 'gift' from god.
And, whenever you recieve a gift, you should NEVER give it away.
Cos its rude.

You are horrible.

--- enough of my rants alr--

so, today is a sat.
tml is august, and im bored.
):
ok, bai.

"Oh, the dismay.."

I am just upset, and all I need is a listening ear.
I need a person who doesnt know the situation just yet.
Neither does that person know who is involved.

Because I really need to get everything out.
Everything means everything.
Like, how i feel about whats happening.
But the sad problem is, I havent found the exact person yet.

Really, I was really stupid enough to
rant my nonsense towards someone that 'know' what's going on.
All I need is for you to hear, not say anything about it.
Because it actually made EVERYTHING worse.
I almost felt insulted and ready to cry when you said that.
- but as usual, i wont fucking cry unless i burst-

Besides, it would give you the 'kick' out of it, right?
To see me crying.
Yeayea, bitch. i wont!

Ok, so the reason why I need that type of person..
is because they wont freaking judge!!
I need you to stop judging me, cos I get really upset when you do.
And when I am upset + MORE upset = I lose and u die.

I need you to ;
1) Listen
2) Dont Judge
3) Let me finish what i am saying.
4) Allow me to bawl.
5) Allow me to preserve my dignity.
6) Let me bitch about anything and everything.

So, the above list is the difficult one.
Where the hell can i find this person, you tell me?!

Ok, I am being a spoilt bitch.
Since young, i dont get what I want.
I will get really upset and I will whine, moan, cry about it.

Thats how I feel about the Melbourne trip.
I know its my own careless mistake, but I am just 不爽.
(Accommodate me for this paragraph or so)
Because my friends are going for it.
Worse, the ones who said they are not going are going.
(another excuse for me to get angry)
Well, and seeing the happy faces on my friends..
Just get me really jealous and sour.

(I know, you must think I am really horrible)
Yes, I am horrible.
But I have already admitted it that I am 'spoilt' and unhappy.
- If you are horrified of me, u can leave my blog immediately -

So, I am jealous.
yes, but I am not going to 泼冷水 on my friends.
because they are really very excited about it.
And, i cannot be even more horrible.

But I am just upset, because of the fact that I missed such a chance.
Because of my own fault.
Stupid right?

Ok, now i have to suck it up.
or someone should scold me.
cos wo de pi hen yang.

anyway, im beginning to get irritated with someone again!
hello, leader.
you girlfriend doesnt mean she recieve priority emails only.
PLEASE BCC US ALSO.
Thank u, and you guys can find a room to make out.

Anyway, I wonder..
To what extent would i go to get my boyfriend's attention.
Cos I am a real attention seeker.
I really like attention alot.
haha, horrible bad habit.

So, maybe...
I would be like the same as her?
i think?
Cos she was doing that infront of the WHOLE 2 team.
sit 1 corner emo, let her bf see.
ok lo.
I think i will also like that.
As in im nt being sarcastic.
just being honest about it, maybe i will act that way too.
):

Ok, enough la.

And really, crying helps.
haha~

"I see red"

Gosh, I have SO much negative energy in my body these days.
I am getting angry really easily these days.
maybe I am going to pms soon.

Anyway, I am pissed about 2 things.

1)Why didnt you email me back, letting me hang there wasnt a choice for me.
Thanfully, I am trying to keep my cool without emailing you something sarcastic.
I can do that, when i am really upset or nasty.

2) wow, congrats. I kinda expected that from you.
Come on, time will tell everything.
And obviously, I have seen what you are capable of.
Nasty, serious.

anyway, I am going to be really realistic.
Seriously, there is NO one friend that you would always be pleased or seen no flaws about.
Honestly, dont lie.
Unless, you haven't been close enough or you are what I was previously.
'Close 1 eye, Open 1 eye'

I was like that, till I realised..
Why not open your both eyes and look at it for yourself
I dont deny it.
I have ALOT of faults.
Come on, it would be HARD not to bitch behind me.
I have seen it, and survived/surviving.

The point I am trying to bring about; friends will have flaws.
And sometimes, I really really have the intention to tell them straight into their faces.
I just want to go "You know, you are..."

For friends whom I know long enough, like 7 years+
I mean, really close friends.
I have decided not to say anything about it.
I realize I have grown accustomed to you guys.

For friends whom I have known for a few years like 3 years..
Also, I have seen it.
But I too, have grown accustomed to it.
Because the thoughts..
" I accept you for who you are.."
Also, if I didnt liked you..
I would have followed..
"Dont be with the people, you dont want to become.."

And for friends whom I know less than 2 years;
I am still learning to know what comes under my list.
I am still filtering, learning, watching, observing..

But..
I have seen some that i really love to treasure.
But at times, it becomes the love/hate friendship.
"I freaking hate what you are doing, but I am still considering the fact we are friends."

Also, for those newly formed frienships..
It is really succeptible to lots of nonsense.
Like trust issues, its difficult not to think about what the person is doing.
The feeling of doubt.
I know its horrible.

I go through that phase ALOT with people whom I am slowly accommodating to.
I doubt them at times, at sometimes afraid to use the word "best friend"
yea, that word..
has really deep meanings, but in the surface.
It's a title only.
Nothing much.

Now, I am still in dilemma about this tweet I made today.

I said
"Less is More. It doesn't necessary states that more friends = more happiness. I am glad I have found that portion in my past."

It's horrible, right?
But I really am exhausted at times..
like during secondary school, i didnt feel that it was that friendship was important.
I will just go "whatever la" and "hi - bye" *smile*
But slowly, I began to realise how important my girlfriends are to me.

I love u guys, seriously.
secondary mates ; sam and grace.
I cant lose both of you.

my lil family;
lao ma vanessa teo, lao po shimin and baby chloe.
i realised, they cared.. they still do!

--------

sigh, how uh..
I really wanna go back secondary school again.
I miss those 'sui bian la' days.

bleah, no need think about
friends ganging up to bully u
backstabbers with malicious intentions
shit loads.

anw, I still do treasure u guys as friends.
even though there are rough times.
we will see whether do we take the challenge up for being friends?
or maybe just become a memory in each other.

maybe now, just give me time to get used to it.
i need that time.

---- Also, BGR is a horrible thing --
it tears u from the inside.
I will never forget you, but I will just need another to think about.

bye guys, i still love you guys.

P.S ; thanks grace.
for calling me. it mattered alot.

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I will think of what I wanna say when I think of it. PEACE OUTTTTTTTTT.