"And it goes down from here..."

Ahh, as I am blogging this.
I am slowly edging to the end of Week 11 of my 3rd year.
So fast.

I still remember I was complaining and contemplating of quitting school in year 1.
I was asking "wtf, did i come this school. Should I just go ITE?"
Then, things became positive.
The people I met, the things I was learning.
I was counting down by days.
During year 2 sem 2 I was saying..
"I wanna graduate.. FAST!"

Now I am pretty much thrown off guard.
Because I am going to graduate in a few weeks.
Then thats my next step in my life.
Work? Studies? Or what?
Confusing and really daunting for me.
(I never plan. Always impromptu)

Bad habit that must be kicked.

So, just I kinda went to see my results.
and bla, i still failed my science.
waste my money and time.
Sorry mommy. ):
Remind to self; email Rowena about it.

Anywhoo..
I am getting really frustrated.
I do not know whether is this frustration directed to my self..
Or directed to people who caused this frustration.

You know what I am always trying to please you.
Trying to make conversations, (I try hard not to make it awkward)
But!!! In the end, I feel as if I am talking to myself.
Very angry and upset at the same time.
Its funny how I want to talk and understand you people.
Yet, I just can bite my lips.
To prevent any more awkward moments.

Seriously, I felt really exhausted once I left.
its the same feeling I felt previously.
Always this suffocating and unbearing tension.
I feel, I rather go alone (and I did feel better when I was alone)
How contradicting.
I seeked for companionship, but I felt so much better alone.

I just have to remind myself,
its ok. I do not need to please everyone.
Let it be.
So, inner me..
Please dont feel upset when you feel left out.
Its not really that bad anyway.

Enough of my ranting..
Anywhooooo!!!
I am learning how to play the guitar, AGAIN!!
:D
Bro teaching me power chords, and apparently..
Those chords can be used for different songs~
Awesome much?!
Learning how to play Dashboard Confessional's
Belle of the Boulevard.

From verse 1 to chorus is done.
Just need to get the hang of the finger placement and long pauses.
lol~
Hopefully, by some time..
I can know how to play a full song~
:D

Indeed, my dog (pudding) and music (guitar) calms me down.
Because after hugging Pudding and practising on my guitar.
I felt so tired that I slept for 3 hours~
Thats why Im blogging at 11pm now.
Very energetic now.
But after this, I need to revise psychology (P6-10)
so i can coach a friend.

Like WTFBBQ, right?
Eunice is teaching people. -.-
I hope i dont screw up neither screw my friend's grade up.
Please!

ok la, gotta go revise.
Ohya, I miss my eyecandy~

" Funny, how we are.. "

Bad habits, that are too hard to kick.
I am filled with flaws, countless I mean.
I cant speak perfect english, I have acne (bad case) , I dont look proportionate,
neither do I look healthy, I dont have..
Wait, why am I hogging about this issue when,
I was supposed to blog about something else.
- chuckles and shakes her head wryly -

But the things I was supposed to blog is kinda related,
to what I wrote.
One thing to add to my growing list;
I have issues.

Like,honestly.. I think I do.
Sometimes, I do not know what to tag that feeling that overcomes me.
Sadness, rage, jealousy?
(It only happens when there's negative emotions)
But, I daresay.. I shun negative emotions really fast.
Like ASAP.
I would force myself to think about other things.
Call it escaping, but I am not strong to face it.
I have been running.
But lets leave that topic for some other post.

It happens to me, I can tell you.
I aint any saint.
I cant hold my temper, I cant hold my feelings when I feel jealous or hurt.
But sometimes, I try so hard.
To hold it all in, so others wont feel bad.
I question myself; am I doing this for them or myself?
The lines between this 2 has blurred haphazardly.
I just get so upset thinking about this.

True enough, when i get good grades..
I feel really good..
But when I hear others getting better grades..
Something just overwhelms me.
This is that feeling that i cant name.
Am I angry?
Why cant I be happy and GENUINELY happy for them?
I honestly feel I am a very selfish person.
This is something I have been fighting since secondary school.

But in the end, I always end up running away.

Now all I can chant in my head;
"You can do better and try harder next time"

But really, will I?
Can I?

Tutorial:

Tutorial:

Tutorial:
I will think of what I wanna say when I think of it. PEACE OUTTTTTTTTT.