Sometimes, to control one's emotions takes power.

Abusing my blog again.. by ranting.

Im sorry, this makes me looks like I am filled with angst at all time.

But im not..

Im just having my bad days today,

and I have taken in too much negative comments from others..

But also, im harboring negative thoughts lately.

Its difficult not to, because I tend to repeat those negative stuff people says to me.

And it kinda leads me to think about other negative stuff.

xue(3) jia(1) chen(2) shuang(1)

cant type chinese here, so put pinyin.

It means, add snow become a blanket of snow. (or smthing like that)

Yeaa, so im pretty upset about things I hear.

And seriously, i have low self esteem..

My self esteem is like a lizard,

but I tend to mentally boost myself to look like a frill lizard.

Go google whats frill lizard.

So yeaaaa, I am not exactly someone who is confident.

But I know how to feign it at times.

Especially when things are going my way, and whenever im happy.

I tend to feel confident.

But deep down low, I have very lowwww self esteem.

lol, damn sad.

Thats why im not one who can withstand psychological taunting or comments.

Regarding.. my weight and size and appearance..

And these few days, these has been coming out from someone I dont like.

Im close to hating this person but not yet.. (soon , i think)

And it hurts.

Hello, Im not made of steel, wood, or any inanimate object in this universe.

Im a damn human, who (over)thinks, emotional and really sensitive.

Also, I have very low self esteem.

(Dont freaking abuse the knowledge that I have low self esteem)

You can gtfo of my friendship, if you are like that.

And fuck you.

So, yup.

I was feeling really raw from all this comments chaffing the past few days.

And it didnt help that he had to rub my wound again.

Laughing at what I eat, how i do things, my size, my skin condition.

Ohplease, DO I NOT FUCKING KNOW THAT?!

I have someone close to me CONSTANTLY reminding me that I have my dad genes.

Yea, my mother.

So I dont need to have you shooting bullets through me.

Thank you so much.

I dont know, I am filled with angst and stuff.

But cannot be helped, cos I cant UNTHINK all these upset stuff.

And fyi ; things said to a child..

Will always remain with a child.

Trust me, it takes constant reminder/praise (not excessive) that a child is good..

To make this child grow up strong in his cognitive ways.

But all it takes, is ONE 1 negative comment..

And you will be gunning down those self confidence a kid tries hard to develop.

Why am I so sure about this?

Been there and done that.

Im so upset about this.

Really.

Dont need to add to the stuff I face at work.

I still have half a saturday to go through.

I wanna request alternate saturdays off. ):

Please, 3 months probation.

Please hurry up.

Ok, ranting completed.

Trying to calm down now.

Time to delete teh cookies from the desktop.

Ciao. <3

Oh, yenxi..!

I MISS YOU ALOT. :D

I cant wait for november/december.

XOXO girlfriend~!

" Sometimes the smartest person can be pretty dumb.. "

Ok, so the first post after i changed my blog link. (:

weeee!

I am employed.. and life still kinda sucked.

So yea..

But i have this nagging feeling in me, and its very hard for me to talk.

And now, as in talking to my family has been..

INCREASINGLY HARD.

I dont know.

Maybe it was like that since last time.

Then I created a fantasy in my head thinking that everything was pretty fine.

And my mom was cool and so on.

(yea, she is cool.. and scary)

So its pretty much nonsense thou.

Pfffft.

Kinda sucks.

Cos I feel as if I am going throu the '16 year old' phase again.

Nobody understands what you are saying.

Sigh, and sometimes people around you can be such jerks.

Esp brothers.

Sigh, he can be sooo nice.

But sometimes it feels as if he suddenly had his period and starts PMS-ing.

Its really annoying.

Also, the worst thing is he's pretty smart.

(As compared to me)

Sidenote: I think my IQ has dropped rapidly these days

So whenever we quarrel on something, its difficult to have something smart thrown at him.

Even if its smart, he will just throw it back at you and make you look stupid.

Urgh, fuck.. right?

Interacting with him is like interacting with a timebomb.

With no indication when it will blow.

It is easy to have a conversation with him.

But when he gets cranky, oh man..

I avoid his path.

So its dangerous.

Thats a reason I interact very little with him at times.

He can be very nice and very nasty.

But at least he isnt 2 faced, cos he can be super duper straightforward and stubborn.

Ooo, ok.

im done ranting.

I FEEL SO GOOOD!

Sigh, I so do not want to go work on mondays. ):

it sucks.

The worse thing is to handle something which they said to set an expectation for.

Siao.

How can I??!

Sian sian sian sian sian

" Funny, how we are.. "

Bad habits, that are too hard to kick.
I am filled with flaws, countless I mean.
I cant speak perfect english, I have acne (bad case) , I dont look proportionate,
neither do I look healthy, I dont have..
Wait, why am I hogging about this issue when,
I was supposed to blog about something else.
- chuckles and shakes her head wryly -

But the things I was supposed to blog is kinda related,
to what I wrote.
One thing to add to my growing list;
I have issues.

Like,honestly.. I think I do.
Sometimes, I do not know what to tag that feeling that overcomes me.
Sadness, rage, jealousy?
(It only happens when there's negative emotions)
But, I daresay.. I shun negative emotions really fast.
Like ASAP.
I would force myself to think about other things.
Call it escaping, but I am not strong to face it.
I have been running.
But lets leave that topic for some other post.

It happens to me, I can tell you.
I aint any saint.
I cant hold my temper, I cant hold my feelings when I feel jealous or hurt.
But sometimes, I try so hard.
To hold it all in, so others wont feel bad.
I question myself; am I doing this for them or myself?
The lines between this 2 has blurred haphazardly.
I just get so upset thinking about this.

True enough, when i get good grades..
I feel really good..
But when I hear others getting better grades..
Something just overwhelms me.
This is that feeling that i cant name.
Am I angry?
Why cant I be happy and GENUINELY happy for them?
I honestly feel I am a very selfish person.
This is something I have been fighting since secondary school.

But in the end, I always end up running away.

Now all I can chant in my head;
"You can do better and try harder next time"

But really, will I?
Can I?

"I see red"

Gosh, I have SO much negative energy in my body these days.
I am getting angry really easily these days.
maybe I am going to pms soon.

Anyway, I am pissed about 2 things.

1)Why didnt you email me back, letting me hang there wasnt a choice for me.
Thanfully, I am trying to keep my cool without emailing you something sarcastic.
I can do that, when i am really upset or nasty.

2) wow, congrats. I kinda expected that from you.
Come on, time will tell everything.
And obviously, I have seen what you are capable of.
Nasty, serious.

anyway, I am going to be really realistic.
Seriously, there is NO one friend that you would always be pleased or seen no flaws about.
Honestly, dont lie.
Unless, you haven't been close enough or you are what I was previously.
'Close 1 eye, Open 1 eye'

I was like that, till I realised..
Why not open your both eyes and look at it for yourself
I dont deny it.
I have ALOT of faults.
Come on, it would be HARD not to bitch behind me.
I have seen it, and survived/surviving.

The point I am trying to bring about; friends will have flaws.
And sometimes, I really really have the intention to tell them straight into their faces.
I just want to go "You know, you are..."

For friends whom I know long enough, like 7 years+
I mean, really close friends.
I have decided not to say anything about it.
I realize I have grown accustomed to you guys.

For friends whom I have known for a few years like 3 years..
Also, I have seen it.
But I too, have grown accustomed to it.
Because the thoughts..
" I accept you for who you are.."
Also, if I didnt liked you..
I would have followed..
"Dont be with the people, you dont want to become.."

And for friends whom I know less than 2 years;
I am still learning to know what comes under my list.
I am still filtering, learning, watching, observing..

But..
I have seen some that i really love to treasure.
But at times, it becomes the love/hate friendship.
"I freaking hate what you are doing, but I am still considering the fact we are friends."

Also, for those newly formed frienships..
It is really succeptible to lots of nonsense.
Like trust issues, its difficult not to think about what the person is doing.
The feeling of doubt.
I know its horrible.

I go through that phase ALOT with people whom I am slowly accommodating to.
I doubt them at times, at sometimes afraid to use the word "best friend"
yea, that word..
has really deep meanings, but in the surface.
It's a title only.
Nothing much.

Now, I am still in dilemma about this tweet I made today.

I said
"Less is More. It doesn't necessary states that more friends = more happiness. I am glad I have found that portion in my past."

It's horrible, right?
But I really am exhausted at times..
like during secondary school, i didnt feel that it was that friendship was important.
I will just go "whatever la" and "hi - bye" *smile*
But slowly, I began to realise how important my girlfriends are to me.

I love u guys, seriously.
secondary mates ; sam and grace.
I cant lose both of you.

my lil family;
lao ma vanessa teo, lao po shimin and baby chloe.
i realised, they cared.. they still do!

--------

sigh, how uh..
I really wanna go back secondary school again.
I miss those 'sui bian la' days.

bleah, no need think about
friends ganging up to bully u
backstabbers with malicious intentions
shit loads.

anw, I still do treasure u guys as friends.
even though there are rough times.
we will see whether do we take the challenge up for being friends?
or maybe just become a memory in each other.

maybe now, just give me time to get used to it.
i need that time.

---- Also, BGR is a horrible thing --
it tears u from the inside.
I will never forget you, but I will just need another to think about.

bye guys, i still love you guys.

P.S ; thanks grace.
for calling me. it mattered alot.

"let the dance begin.."

im so so damn stressed.
just finished presenting and im feeling really 'bleah'..
Feel like breaking down and going mad.

even though this module is slightly likable.
but im stressed.
So its really no good.

im so jealous of other people,
thats what you get ..

oh man, my head and neck is hurting like fuck now.
damnit.
stress makes me feel exhausted.

Tutorial:

Tutorial:

Tutorial:
I will think of what I wanna say when I think of it. PEACE OUTTTTTTTTT.