I can't seem to breathe and rest easy. 

Sometimes, I just want to run away from everything. Just drop everything as it is and leave it be. Without thinking who will be implicated by my actions. 

But I can't..Because I know, by doing that. My family would never hear the end of it. People will mock and laugh. Being Asian, 'face' is everything. It's really important. And my mother, even though she emphasize that she isn't bothered by that. I know she truly is. But to reassure us, she usually say "it's ok la.. I'm not worried" but the underlying message is "please.. Don't do that k? People will talk and stuff, so lao kui."

And.. I'm really tempted to write down something else regarding the family. But it's freaking personal. Because 'one does not wash dirty linen in the public' (CHINESE SAYING) 

And if I do, I gotta private my blog.

I don't want to.

What I can summarize is, everybody love 'face' , and it will pretty much mean that they will do anything, say anything, to retain the 'face' of theirs.

All I know, throughout these years of growing up, listening, observing what people did; it's quite scary to know some things and its very disheartening. 

It makes me feel as if that trust is malleable. It could be broken, formed again based on some conversation, then broken again due to personal needs.

But then, again..

If I was to tell someone in my extended family about this. Wouldn't you think, that I would just be digging my grave?

This knowledge only came to me, after I realized that 'To Trust' someone.. Isn't that easy nor simple.

I really want to learn how to trust people; and be able to see what their true intentions are.

I'm quite stupid, so theae attribute doesn't come easy. Or maybe too easy( in trusting someone).

有好多要说的，但是却说不出。

如果连最亲的也要防，那外人不是要键好几个墙了吗？

Sometimes, to control one's emotions takes power.

Abusing my blog again.. by ranting.

Im sorry, this makes me looks like I am filled with angst at all time.

But im not..

Im just having my bad days today,

and I have taken in too much negative comments from others..

But also, im harboring negative thoughts lately.

Its difficult not to, because I tend to repeat those negative stuff people says to me.

And it kinda leads me to think about other negative stuff.

xue(3) jia(1) chen(2) shuang(1)

cant type chinese here, so put pinyin.

It means, add snow become a blanket of snow. (or smthing like that)

Yeaa, so im pretty upset about things I hear.

And seriously, i have low self esteem..

My self esteem is like a lizard,

but I tend to mentally boost myself to look like a frill lizard.

Go google whats frill lizard.

So yeaaaa, I am not exactly someone who is confident.

But I know how to feign it at times.

Especially when things are going my way, and whenever im happy.

I tend to feel confident.

But deep down low, I have very lowwww self esteem.

lol, damn sad.

Thats why im not one who can withstand psychological taunting or comments.

Regarding.. my weight and size and appearance..

And these few days, these has been coming out from someone I dont like.

Im close to hating this person but not yet.. (soon , i think)

And it hurts.

Hello, Im not made of steel, wood, or any inanimate object in this universe.

Im a damn human, who (over)thinks, emotional and really sensitive.

Also, I have very low self esteem.

(Dont freaking abuse the knowledge that I have low self esteem)

You can gtfo of my friendship, if you are like that.

And fuck you.

So, yup.

I was feeling really raw from all this comments chaffing the past few days.

And it didnt help that he had to rub my wound again.

Laughing at what I eat, how i do things, my size, my skin condition.

Ohplease, DO I NOT FUCKING KNOW THAT?!

I have someone close to me CONSTANTLY reminding me that I have my dad genes.

Yea, my mother.

So I dont need to have you shooting bullets through me.

Thank you so much.

I dont know, I am filled with angst and stuff.

But cannot be helped, cos I cant UNTHINK all these upset stuff.

And fyi ; things said to a child..

Will always remain with a child.

Trust me, it takes constant reminder/praise (not excessive) that a child is good..

To make this child grow up strong in his cognitive ways.

But all it takes, is ONE 1 negative comment..

And you will be gunning down those self confidence a kid tries hard to develop.

Why am I so sure about this?

Been there and done that.

Im so upset about this.

Really.

Dont need to add to the stuff I face at work.

I still have half a saturday to go through.

I wanna request alternate saturdays off. ):

Please, 3 months probation.

Please hurry up.

Ok, ranting completed.

Trying to calm down now.

Time to delete teh cookies from the desktop.

Ciao. <3

Oh, yenxi..!

I MISS YOU ALOT. :D

I cant wait for november/december.

XOXO girlfriend~!

"let the dance begin.."

im so so damn stressed.
just finished presenting and im feeling really 'bleah'..
Feel like breaking down and going mad.

even though this module is slightly likable.
but im stressed.
So its really no good.

im so jealous of other people,
thats what you get ..

oh man, my head and neck is hurting like fuck now.
damnit.
stress makes me feel exhausted.

Tutorial:

Tutorial:

Tutorial:
I will think of what I wanna say when I think of it. PEACE OUTTTTTTTTT.