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»Inspiration
Monday, July 15, 2013

"She wished she was of a somebody to be an inspiration to others."

----------------------------
It's Monday.
And I woke up feeling as if it was a Saturday.
But sadly,Yeap. 
Both my calendar and Mother confirmed my dread. It's Monday.

I have no grudges against Monday.
Maybe I did. I used to.
But as time goes by, alongside with continuos routine.
You tend to get used to it. 
I had that 1minute of dread and complaints running through my head. 

"what, it's too early."
"I so wanna get back to bed."
"Can I not go to work?"

Then, resignation kicks in.
It's a routine, you follow it.
Off goes those thoughts and its the start of my daily routine.

Annnnnd, I have drifted off topic, again.
(Eunice, Eunice when would you ever learn.)

----------------------------


As mentioned in the header, 'Inspiration'.
Recently, I have been rolling around YouTube. (Lol, rolling.)
Thanks to Gloria!
Gloria Shurinava aka glowpinkstah is a vlogger. A really adorable lady with a big heart, an attitude, and someone who has awesome sense of humor.
I love people who brings other happiness~
She is one of them.

So I chance upon her when I was scrolling through Stomp.
Yesyesyes, I am very 'eng'.
But that's only to give me a breather from work. (Excuses excuses,so I don't look like a bad employee.)

It was an article from Yahoo news and someone stomped about it.
It was about her and her boyfriend, Ali.

So Gloria is also a plus sized girl with a cute ginger boyfriend.
And everyone comes up with all the nonsense that he is using her.
(I did think of that too. Shame on me)

But when I viewed their video. I kinda could see that sparkling look in Ali's eyes aka Derp whenever he looks at Gloria.

I'm not saying all these because I want to be like her and get a handsome boyfriend. 
(Even if I do, my paranoia will eat through me. 'Is he cheating on me with my beautiful friend' etc. I will prolly screw up the r/s first, even if the guy did love me)

Gloria is different, and that is why her boyfriend saw it in her. How special is she, how daring and how 'buay paiseh' (not easily embarrassed) when she does her vids, and her attitude!
Gosh. So freaking amazing.

I want to have her attitude.
So, yea.
After such a long post on Mondays and Gloria.
I just wanted to say, Gloria is awesome.
And I want to have that sort of attitude towards life.

I wanna tell myself. 
"Stop being easily embarrassed and always running from things that hurt you.
Why not face it bravely, and see the outcome?"

Go,Eunice!~

words spilled @ 7/15/2013 01:27:00 PM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»The balance
Saturday, July 13, 2013

"The smiles in the pictures seems to fade with age"

Sometimes I wonder how much of what I am putting into this, is reciprocated. 
I find myself so silly when I do my best from the bottom of my heart. You seem so 'busy' to bother.

So is this how my friends feel when I can't be bothered with what they do for me? 

Is this the reason why you are like that? To show me that , this is how they feel whenever they try their best for me?

I can't help to detest you at times, but yet I love you so much. 
It seemed as if as time passes, it seem to matter less. I no longer feel that burning admiration for you. I no longer 'worship' you. My friend, what has happened to you and I?

Am I the only one who feels this way.
You are always busy.
朋友，你忘了吗。

Yes, you seem to forgot everything I have always done for you.
At least, our friend treasures the littlest things. I'm thankful for that.

But..
Don't you know that. If you don't use your heart to remember, how would you ever remember.

算了，我们还是朋友。
但是，我不想再努力了。

----------------------------------

I just need to rant about all this nonsense I have been feeling.
Your instagram doesn't help.
You aren't really busy. 
我好厌倦

But I will keep that important phrase in my head.
"用平常心对待任何事＂
"To use a neutral thinking when doing everything"


words spilled @ 7/13/2013 06:46:00 PM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»Trust.
Monday, July 01, 2013

"It's as if she felt that she was watched for her every move. They were waiting for her to fail."

This immense of stress I feel is terrible.

I can't seem to breathe and rest easy. 
Sometimes, I just want to run away from everything. Just drop everything as it is and leave it be. Without thinking who will be implicated by my actions. 

But I can't..Because I know, by doing that. My family would never hear the end of it. People will mock and laugh. Being Asian, 'face' is everything. It's really important. And my mother, even though she emphasize that she isn't bothered by that. I know she truly is. But to reassure us, she usually say "it's ok la.. I'm not worried" but the underlying message is "please.. Don't do that k? People will talk and stuff, so lao kui."

And.. I'm really tempted to write down something else regarding the family. But it's freaking personal. Because 'one does not wash dirty linen in the public' (CHINESE SAYING) 

And if I do, I gotta private my blog.
I don't want to.

What I can summarize is, everybody love 'face' , and it will pretty much mean that they will do anything, say anything, to retain the 'face' of theirs.

All I know, throughout these years of growing up, listening, observing what people did; it's quite scary to know some things and its very disheartening. 

It makes me feel as if that trust is malleable. It could be broken, formed again based on some conversation, then broken again due to personal needs.

But then, again..
If I was to tell someone in my extended family about this. Wouldn't you think, that I would just be digging my grave?

This knowledge only came to me, after I realized that 'To Trust' someone.. Isn't that easy nor simple.

I really want to learn how to trust people; and be able to see what their true intentions are.

I'm quite stupid, so theae attribute doesn't come easy. Or maybe too easy( in trusting someone).


有好多要说的，但是却说不出。
如果连最亲的也要防，那外人不是要键好几个墙了吗？

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words spilled @ 7/01/2013 10:54:00 AM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»거짓말!
Friday, November 16, 2012

"Oh, so it's like that huh?"

No.
my face is not spasm-ing at the thoughts and scenarios/texts that are currently being fabricate in my head.
Obviously not! I'm at the point my features just gets crappy altogether.
Seriously, at all of other times..
You decided to 'pack' and get dust into your nose and get sick.

Hmmm.
And I don't want to accept your apology. It doesn't sound sincere enough and things adding up from last night, just makes me think that this is a part of the conspiracy.

Yes.
I'm paranoid. I think too much.
But really? If you want to do something like that, please don't make it so obvious.
It's face-palm worthy.

Sigh.
I can has disappoint.
Bleah. Thought I could have a wonderful Saturday out.
Hopefully I'm still in the mood for whatever Saturday has in store for me.

뭐야!!아이씨 젠장!

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words spilled @ 11/16/2012 01:18:00 PM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»From the Blog - Anonymous Reviews "Find the Solutions to your acne problems using Face Mapping"
Wednesday, September 19, 2012

"Mappity mappity Map~"

I have seen an amazing post from the blog 'Anonymous Reviews' and I thought this was really good for sharing.

Follow her on Blogger!
She has good reviews on products brought from local watsons and such.

I reposted this as for me to refer.
As I am someone with acne problems. :/
Yea, the only person who has zits and acne all over her face, chest, and badly acne scarred back.

So apart from this section, the rest of this post as below the dotted line is from the 'Anonymous Reviews'!~
None from me!

As mentioned below, acnes from the left cheek and the space between the eyes are due to problems on your liver.
I think if I check my liver now, it must be damn fatty. Like Foie Gras,
My healthy is bloody unhealthy even though I avoid Fast Food as much as possible.
But I tend to sleep really late and eat late and drink.. ALOT.

So boohoo, bad skin must start from me curbing from alcohol.
Damnit, I like to drink. :/
But I think Im getting better with alcohol though.
I dont get drunk as quick like I used to.
Woohoo.

Ok, shall let you carry on to carry on with your face mapping~

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The below original post is from : 

http://anonymous-reviews.blogspot.sg/2011/07/face-mapping.html


Face Mapping

Hey guys! I’ve been breaking out these few days and I thought I might come up with this post to help improve acne problems. Like I said earlier, I’ve started to break out around my nose and inner cheek area (I don’t break out unless I’m nearing my period) and I was so worried that my skincare products are losing effectiveness (number 1 fear). Luckily it was not!

 These pictures and information are what I have read and consolidated on the web so far. It has helped me alot in understanding my face, acne and overall health and I hope that this will help you too! 


Forehead

Outbreaks on your forehead can be caused by a toxin build up, usually related to poor digestion and lack of water. Drinking water helps to flush out the toxins in your body, so boost your water intake and have a look at the foods you are eating. A diet high in dairy for example, consumed by someone who could possible be lactose intolerant, would be suffering with digestive issues.

Nose

What goes on, on your nose, is linked to your heart. A swollen and bulbous nose can be an indication to high blood pressure so if you are someone who drinks many energy drinks throughout the day, try cutting back, eat slow, energy releasing foods such as nuts and oats.

That area above your nose, between your eyes.

Any redness and flakiness of the skin in this area is linked to your liver. If you are someone who enjoys eating out a lot, then you will be consuming many rich ingredients used in the food. Try to avoid the likes of cheese, butter, cream and oils when ordering. Why not make eating in the new eating out? In addition, do not eat late at night! Studies have shown that the body’s metabolism starts to slow down into the evening, preparing for the nights rest. Try to avoid eating late at night; especially right before bedtime as your body will not break down the food as effectively, leading to a toxin buildup. If you have regular meal times set, try to keep your evening meal before 9pm, though some say avoid eating after 7pm.Those who drink a lot of alcohol will also break out in this area. 

Upper Cheek

Your upper cheek is linked to your lungs. If you have breakouts and broken capillaries in this area, this can be caused directly by smoking and passive smoking. The air you are breathing will show in this area of your face, so if, for example, you are living in a highly polluted area, you will break out here. However, if you sleep on the side of your face, or use your mobile phone on this side, the germs and dirt transferred can clog your pores, causing breakouts. To prevent this, change your pillowcase at least once a week, and wipe down your phone with an antibacterial wipe every few days. 

Lower Cheek

Breakouts on your lower cheek can be an indication of poor dental hygiene. If you have any infections in your mouth, especially involving your gums, this will show on the outside too. Always keep on top of your dental health, brushing, mouthwash and flossing twice a day and regular check ups at the dentist at least twice a year!

Ears

Many of the spots you get on your ears are those under the skin, lumpy type, almost cystic and can be painful. Your ears are linked to your kidneys, so if you are not up on your water intake, or have too much salt and caffeine in your diet, this could explain why you are suffering in this area. Remember, your body generally needs around 8 large glasses of water a day, but throw in a few extra for good measure. Cut back on food with a high salt content and try caffeine free tea’s and decaf coffee’s. 

Side of the Chin

I, like many other women, break out in this area around my time of the month. This area is related to your hormones, so any sudden changes or a hormonal imbalance, can cause breakouts here. These tend to appear a few days before you are due to start a period, and clear up once your period is over. It can be tempting to pick them but don’t! I find they are the quickest to clear up so it’s better to put up with them for a few days than be left with a nasty scar. Also, if you are not getting a lot of sleep or find yourself stressed out, you are likely to breakout here too. The average person needs roughly 6.5 to 8 hours of sleep a night, are you getting yours? 

Chin

Your chin is linked to your small intestine, so a poor diet or food allergies could cause you to break out in this area. Look at your diet; are there any specific food groups, such as diary, that when you eat, you suffer an uncomfortable digestion or breakout in this area? It could be worth keeping a food diary and a record of your experiences to see which foods trigger the symptoms. Do you eat many oily foods? The oils from these foods can make quite a mess on your face when eating, so make sure you clean around your mouth properly after eating to stop any build up. 

Neck and Chest

Breakouts here are usually caused by stress. I have found that by practicing stress relieving activities, such as yoga, meditation and certain writing methods, I have been able to take control, de-stress and reduce breakouts in this area. Remember, the clothes you wear and the products you wash them in can irritate your skin and cause breakouts here too. 

Zones 1 & 3
Left and right side of forehead: Traditionally, this zone is regarded as the "sister" to the bladder and digestive system. If you breakout frequently in this area, it might mean that you need to improve your elimination by drinking more water and eating more "whole" foods.

 Zone 2
Between the eyebrows: The middle of the forehead, between the eyebrows, is related to the liver. Congestion in this zone can indicate over consumption of alcohol, rich foods, and possibly a food allergy (such as lactose intolerance).

 Zones 4 & 10
Left and right ear: The ears are a highly sensitive area related to the kidneys. If you notice that your ears are very hot, you might be stressing them out – drink plenty of plain water and cut down on caffeine and alcohol.

 Zones 5 & 9
Left and right cheek: The cheeks often give an accurate glimpse into any respiratory distress. Smokers or people suffering from allergies generally experience fine, broken capillaries or congestion in this area.

 Zones 6 & 8
Left and right eye area: The eyes are truly a window to the body's health because they're related to the kidneys. Dark circles, while often hereditary, are made worse by dehydration and poor elimination.

 Zone 7
Nose and upper lip: A reddened nose can indicate heightened blood pressure, or the early stages of rosacea. Congestion around the upper lip can occur if you use comedogenic lipsticks or liners.

 Zones 11 & 13
Left and right side of chin: Look and feel for undersurface congestion and breakouts. Undersurface congestion can be due to insufficient cleansing all the way down to the jaw-line, leaving make-up and cleanser residue. If there are breakouts along the jawbone near the ear, check if you’re having problems with your back teeth (wisdom), or have had recent dental surgery or x-rays.

 Zone 12
Breakouts or unusual hair growth can indicate hormonal imbalance, possibly caused by extremestress. Premenstrual breakouts are also very common on the chin.

 Zone 14
Neck: Don't forget to include your neck in your treatment regimen – the skin on your neck is just as fragile as that on your face, so it definitely needs the benefits of moisturisation and sun protection.

Small Intestine 
Pustules, redness, irritation, bloating, acne, heavy creases 
Cause 
Constipation

 Liver 
Furrow, flaking, irritation, puffiness, itchy 
Cause 
Toxemia

 Kidneys 
Bags, dark circles, swollen, puffiness, saggy appearance 
Cause 
Bladder

 Stomach 
Blemishes, flaking, irritation, milia, acne 
Cause 
Slow or Improper Digestion

 Lungs 
Sagging, congestion, blotches 
Cause 
Lack of Oxygen

 Large Intestine 
Flaking, irritation, furrows, pustules 
Cause 
Sluggish Bowel, Slow Transit Time

 Chin and Throat 
Pustules, congestion, acne, flaking 
Cause 
Toxemia, Slow Digestion 

______________________________________________________________________ 

 Solutions:
Forehead
  • Go to bed early (10pm) and wake up early (6am). Even if you can't fall asleep. it's good to relax so your liver can rest and be ready for work the next day
  • Drink plenty of water
  • 20-30 minutes of light exercise every day, especially outdoors
  • Practice relaxation techniques to worry less
  • Get enough sleep with a regular sleep schedule
  • Eat healthy foods, chewing thoroughly
  • Better hygiene (washing hair, hats)

 Temples
  • Eat less processed food, junk food, and fast food
  • Reduce the amount of fat in your diet
  • Eat cooling foods like bitter melon, cucumbers, and gourds

 Between the Brows
  • Exercise, but avoid strenuous exercise
  • Get more sleep
  • Avoid alcohol
  • Avoid smoking

 Nose
  • Eat less pungent foods (spices, garlic, etc)
  • Eat less meat
  • Eat warm temperature foods (not too cold or hot)
  • Get more fresh air
  • Exercise everyday (like going for a walk)
  • Massage the area around your nose
  • Make sure you are getting enough Vitamin B

 Left Cheek
  • Maintain a normal daily routine
  • Try to keep a positive mood
  • Don't let your body overheat
  • Eat more cooling foods such as gourds, winter melons, and green beans
  • Don't overeat
  • Try to decompress and relax
  • The liver is the strongest from 1-3 AM. This is when you should be sleeping
  • The liver is weakest at 1-5 PM, so schedule difficult work for the morning
  • If you have to work in the afternoon, rest your eyes for 5 minutes every hour
  • Practice proper hygiene

 Right Cheek
  • Avoid fast food and junk food
  • Avoid mango, taro root, wine, and seafood or other foods you may be sensitive to
  • Eat less sugar
  • Get more fresh air
  • The lung is strongest at 7-9 AM. This is the best time for aerobic exercise
  • Practice proper hygiene

 Lip Area
  • Eat more fiber
  • Include more fresh fruits and vegetables in your diet
  • Eat less spicy and fried foods
  • Massage abdominal area in a clockwise motion
  • Change your toothpaste

 Chin and Jaw
  • Reduce the habit of eating before bed
  • Eat more fresh fruit and vegetables
  • Get more rest
  • Get your hormones checked
  • Get 20 minutes of exercise each day
  • Sleep early and wake up early
  • Massage your body for relaxation
  • Practice proper hygiene

 I remember Bubzbeauty made a video on Face Mapping before, I'm going to link it below, go watch it!:



*Remember that there are many factors that contributes to your acne problems other than your internal health. If these methods still wouldn't work, please do not be discouraged!

 A/N: I was thought that my pimples were caused by my constipation problem (*embarrassed*) and I was RIGHT! I ate laxative pills the next day and my zits are healing now. I know consuming laxatives are not good for the body but my constipation was darn serious, like 5 days of not passing motion. Hope this information helps!

Sources:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Face-mapping-whats-your-acne-telling-you
http://www.skinacea.com/acne/acne-face-map.html
http://www.annabellina.com/facemapping.html
http://www.womenshealthsa.co.za/beauty-style/perfect-skin/face-mapping-to-help-you-with-skin-problems
http://nomoredirtylooks.com/2010/11/face-mapping-whats-your-acne-telling-you/
http://rhodalinda.blogspot.com/2011/03/acne-face-mapping.html


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Im thankful for this post.
Bless me for finding such a post. :D
words spilled @ 9/19/2012 11:06:00 AM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»Feeling Empty
Monday, September 17, 2012

"Just look away"

I have told myself constantly to be able to keep an open mind, not get upset over such meager issues.

But I couldnt help it.
This is one of the bad habits I have since young.
I really dislike being left out.
But I just don't bother saying it out.
Because the usual response would be "you are thinking too much".

I don't like that as an answer or a way to divert my question.
Give it to me straight.
At least let me know why you dislike me so much that you have to do that.

I feel.. Urrrrrgh!
So pissed and upset, and I don't need myself coming up with weird conspiracies.
I really want to trust you.
To earn my trust on the surface is easy. It's easy as you see it.
But to really gain my trust, so that I will tell you things. It isn't as easy as you thought.

I wish with this post, I can really let this go.
I'm actually wondering now..
Is this the reason Buddha didn't pave way for my romance?
Because I couldn't handle the up and downs emotions that comes with the 'romance package'.

Damn,I'm fucking weak.
words spilled @ 9/17/2012 07:09:00 PM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»Nostalgic
Monday, January 09, 2012

"A new beginning starts at every end"

My cousin got her results back!
I have 3 younger cousins that are taking their O levels results.

She was upset that her score wasnt up to standard.
It was great (as compared to mine)
But I did see..
She studied really hard.
If I did previously, maybe I would have did better.

This brought back memories.
Sad memories.

4 years ago, it was I.
I remember the first time I took my results.
I was telling myself..
Please.. dont fail

But well..
Apparently, Heaven didnt want me to faint or die of heart attack.
It allowed me to see my O level results.
An exaggerated version.
I dreamnt of 29 points.

Then on the day itself, I opened that letter.
And I started bawling.
First, I was relieved that it wasn't like the predicted.
But then it was no better.
I got a RAW score of 26.
After my **CCA points ,
it was 25.

THE.SAME.NUMBER.LIKE.MY.BIRTH.DATE.

what the fuckery fuck?
Ok la, die.
The first things through my mind is..
I cant go any school.
Because my paper only states limited school.
I was devastated.

I cried.
Then my mom called.
Well, it was horrid.
She was like "well, it was expected."
Oh well then.

I was heartbroken.
My teachers were kinder, nicer and gentler.
Psssh.
Ohwell, my own mom.
How nice.

But well, its her la.
She is always like that.
her sarcasm can burn through walls.

Aiya.
Then have to hide results from relatives.
Hide here hide there.
but in the end, still kena shoot.
Ok la,
i give up!

I just went my way into RP.
Met good friends there.
Friends.. smart ones.
Very thankful to them too.
Because I could freely tell them whats my L1R5.
Without feeling embarrassed.
With my family.
Its like a pride there.

I think i must be adopted.
But fuck, I look too much like my dad.
Maybe I got a different mom.
ah, what the fuck.

But also..
I think I must do better in the future.
Because I always have a mind set thats states..
"Can pass, can already."

Now must strive better!
JIAYOU!
Maybe I should be like my cousin.
Go take up course.

JIAYOU!

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words spilled @ 1/09/2012 02:56:00 PM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»Controlling emotions
Friday, July 22, 2011

Sometimes, to control one's emotions takes power.

Abusing my blog again.. by ranting.
Im sorry, this makes me looks like I am filled with angst at all time.
But im not..
Im just having my bad days today,
and I have taken in too much negative comments from others..
But also, im harboring negative thoughts lately.
Its difficult not to, because I tend to repeat those negative stuff people says to me.
And it kinda leads me to think about other negative stuff.
xue(3) jia(1) chen(2) shuang(1)
cant type chinese here, so put pinyin.
It means, add snow become a blanket of snow. (or smthing like that)

Yeaa, so im pretty upset about things I hear.
And seriously, i have low self esteem..
My self esteem is like a lizard,
but I tend to mentally boost myself to look like a frill lizard.
Go google whats frill lizard.

So yeaaaa, I am not exactly someone who is confident.
But I know how to feign it at times.
Especially when things are going my way, and whenever im happy.
I tend to feel confident.
But deep down low, I have very lowwww self esteem.
lol, damn sad.

Thats why im not one who can withstand psychological taunting or comments.
Regarding.. my weight and size and appearance..
And these few days, these has been coming out from someone I dont like.
Im close to hating this person but not yet.. (soon , i think)
And it hurts.

Hello, Im not made of steel, wood, or any inanimate object in this universe.
Im a damn human, who (over)thinks, emotional and really sensitive.
Also, I have very low self esteem.
(Dont freaking abuse the knowledge that I have low self esteem)
You can gtfo of my friendship, if you are like that.
And fuck you.

So, yup.
I was feeling really raw from all this comments chaffing the past few days.
And it didnt help that he had to rub my wound again.
Laughing at what I eat, how i do things, my size, my skin condition.
Ohplease, DO I NOT FUCKING KNOW THAT?!
I have someone close to me CONSTANTLY reminding me that I have my dad genes.
Yea, my mother.
So I dont need to have you shooting bullets through me.
Thank you so much.

I dont know, I am filled with angst and stuff.
But cannot be helped, cos I cant UNTHINK all these upset stuff.
And fyi ; things said to a child..
Will always remain with a child.
Trust me, it takes constant reminder/praise (not excessive) that a child is good..
To make this child grow up strong in his cognitive ways.
But all it takes, is ONE 1 negative comment..
And you will be gunning down those self confidence a kid tries hard to develop.

Why am I so sure about this?
Been there and done that.
Im so upset about this.
Really.
Dont need to add to the stuff I face at work.
I still have half a saturday to go through.
I wanna request alternate saturdays off. ):
Please, 3 months probation.
Please hurry up.

Ok, ranting completed.
Trying to calm down now.
Time to delete teh cookies from the desktop.
Ciao. <3

Oh, yenxi..!
I MISS YOU ALOT. :D
I cant wait for november/december.
XOXO girlfriend~!

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words spilled @ 7/22/2011 06:08:00 PM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»History repeats itself..
Saturday, June 18, 2011

"It's happening again.."

What is?
My friendship woes..
It sucks, really..
Maybe it was my fault..
But I'm too obnoxious to admit that..

Well, I lost her as a friend..
It's sad..
We kicked off pretty well..
Then it crumbled when I took her for granted..
Bad habits die hard..

Maybe if I start thinking deeper..
It will help?
I really don't know..
I want to go back to when we first started..

The first time we went shopping,
And I realized how much I love you as my friend..
That I thought u finally had such an awesome friend I can click with..
And I thought I could have that selfish thoughts having you as my BFF..
(ok, BFF is a taboo word..)
I try not to use it because bad things happen when you label your friends as BFFs..
-shudders-

(wait.. I want to clarify or make something clear before I continue..)
I have a handful of best friends..
I did some housekeeping to my friendships..
All my friendships are different..
They are all different experiences to me.
The differences in that,
is the experience I have experienced with that friend..
but ALL my friendships (close ones) are very important to me..
So, please understand that the way I handle my friendship with different people are different..
I may have not used the right method to handle our friendship..
That was failure in my part..

Allow me to continue..
I have never, ever dreamed of having a friend like you.
I was really very happy when I was with you..
Because I felt that I could connect with you..
And I told you things I felt I could pull out my mouth with others..
I trusted you, I still trust you..
Because you are still that friend I know..
But you have took up the role of being another person BFF..
That is my loss..

honestly, I really miss you.
Pride has taken me over..
But partly, the reason why I'm not going to patch is up.
Is because I know I have already lost the friendship we once had.
It's going to be different now..
Especially, what you told me that day..
Your friendship with your ex best friend no longer felt the same.
That is what I fear..
Because being the selfish me..
I would want the friendship to regain to what it was before this friendship died.

I'm a spoiled person.
Spoiled by you..
For always being so nice and attentive to me.
Texting me and being worried..
You know, rarely anyone gives me a shit.
Maybe they did once, then they gave up..
But you didn't give up..
Thank you for being such a gracious friend..
Because you are always forgiving..
I'm sorry for not working hard on this friendship..

I miss you, my friend.
It sucks to have lost a friend like you.
I should have known that I should have held on.
But sucks to be me, isn't it?

People would never know how to treasure before they lose it.
It always apply to me.
Maybe I have shit loads of friends who have been worrying..
But I just thought they would be there for me , cos they just would be.
An obnoxious thinking..

I want you as my friend again..
Can we go back to what we were in school..?
My friend, I miss you..
曾经拥有。

I'm sorry.

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words spilled @ 6/18/2011 12:02:00 AM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»Hurrrhurrr
Saturday, June 04, 2011

" Sometimes the smartest person can be pretty dumb.. "

Ok, so the first post after i changed my blog link. (:
weeee!
ok, so many things changed!
I am employed.. and life still kinda sucked.
So yea..

But i have this nagging feeling in me, and its very hard for me to talk.
And now, as in talking to my family has been..
INCREASINGLY HARD.
I dont know.
Maybe it was like that since last time.
Then I created a fantasy in my head thinking that everything was pretty fine.
And my mom was cool and so on.
(yea, she is cool.. and scary)

So its pretty much nonsense thou.
Pfffft.
Kinda sucks.
Cos I feel as if I am going throu the '16 year old' phase again.
Nobody understands what you are saying.
Sigh, and sometimes people around you can be such jerks.
Esp brothers.

Sigh, he can be sooo nice.
But sometimes it feels as if he suddenly had his period and starts PMS-ing.
Its really annoying.
Also, the worst thing is he's pretty smart.
(As compared to me)
Sidenote: I think my IQ has dropped rapidly these days

So whenever we quarrel on something, its difficult to have something smart thrown at him.
Even if its smart, he will just throw it back at you and make you look stupid.
Urgh, fuck.. right?

Interacting with him is like interacting with a timebomb.
With no indication when it will blow.
It is easy to have a conversation with him.
But when he gets cranky, oh man..
I avoid his path.
So its dangerous.
Thats a reason I interact very little with him at times.
He can be very nice and very nasty.
But at least he isnt 2 faced, cos he can be super duper straightforward and stubborn.
The worst side of a human being.
The nice and the nasty

Ooo, ok.
im done ranting.
I FEEL SO GOOOD!

Sigh, I so do not want to go work on mondays. ):
it sucks.
The worse thing is to handle something which they said to set an expectation for.
Siao.
How can I??!

Sian sian sian sian sian

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words spilled @ 6/04/2011 11:25:00 PM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄

»Milestones
Friday, May 13, 2011

"A step at a time. A milestone "

So, im officially left without the strings of freedom
and am not allowed to make any excuses for not working.
How dreadful.
Yeahyeah, I know.
'Stop being a lazy bone?'
Cant help it, I AM a lazy person.

Sigh, but staying at home is something one should not do.
Its bad for the health, it strains on your friendship (some) ,
your mental states gets wayyy twisted.
Its horrible.
Something I tried and experienced,
but I 'die-die' dont want to snap out of it.
Now I am questioning myself daily..
'Whats wrong with you, you lazy-as-hell woman'

Sigh, its bad.
On one side; moaning and dreading of working.
while the other ;
moans too about staying at home and getting grilled for not getting a job.
Its not cool when you get grilled in this manner.
It sucks, ALOT.

So, why is staying at home (for too long) not a good thing.
Here's why ;

1. Sleep late, wake up late.
Why do I sleep late?
Because I am doing something unproductive
like watching shows or staring at the TV for hours.
Ask me what am i good at..
I can sit at the TV for hours and still watch reruns of anything
that involves good looking guys and interesting plot.
You see?! UNPRODUCTIVE.
*strangles self*

So I can watch and surf the net for hours till wee mornings or mornings.
6am to be precise.
Yea, ship me off to America.
I think I would do ok there.
So to compromise the lack of sleep my body thought is needed.
It makes me sleep additional time, as compared to what I require.
Prolly 7 & 8 hours is enough.
Nope, my body makes me sleep till 3 0r 4pm.
You see, half of my day just goes 'poof'.
And the cycle begins again.
Im gonna look like a grandma by the age of 30.
I better sleep early.
(Oh, surprise. It's 1am and im still typing away.)
So,yeah. That's number 1 for u.

-----------------

2. Your cognitive thinking goes awry.
The 'thinking' department has never been under my forte.
Never,ever, ever,ever.
I cant think straight at times, even when im sober.
Sometimes, I dont think before I speak.
I take a long time to think through decisions.
But,never ending up making a wise one.

So, adding up what has been said in number 1.
Not enough sleep + someone who lacks brilliance in the thinking department
= haywired mess.
Results are proven to be horrid.
Need not mention horrid twice, because its already is.
Hah!
(You see; NOT THINKING)
gosh.

Plus, studies showed that people
lacking sleep or having too much sleep will cause health issues.
1. You die early.
2. Your cognitive areas kinda starts to get haywired.
(These terms are not textbook terms)
Oh, and another..
Your memory starts failing you.
You see, this is 'bollocks' and ridiculous.

So, you see..
This and that adds up to the current anxiety I posses.
I think too much and at times think too little.
But either ways, its causing me ALOT of trouble.
So yea, Im turning into an emo nemo or emo bitch.
(minus the slashing, unless thinking of doing it is included)

3. You social skills deteriorates (in a landslide manner).
Previously, I get awkward.
Now, im horridly awkward.
I cant find the right words for the right time.
And whenever I get the hint of awkwardness,
I wanna kill myself.
This is also the dark side of being at home for too long.
You do not interact much, you stop going out and have a life.
Its horrible.
And you think about weird stuff.

----------------------------------------

Sigh.
(Have been sighing alot lately)
Grandpa told mum that bad luck follows when you sigh.
Hmm..
So I have another cycle.
I sigh because i think im in a bad situation, then bad luck tags along..
So another bad situation, and another sigh, and another bad luck.
Never ends.
So, eunice stop sighing.

----------------------

Well, permit me to sigh again.
This is necessary.
I have come to see that some of my friendship webs have gone down south.
Well, it happened before and it happens again.
So kinda its my fault.
But,allow me to defend myself..
(2 hands to clap and make a sound)

But that was in defense, so I shall not be charged.
Why would I say that?
Im not finger pointing, I do admit Im in the wrong.
And well, just leave it to that.
But one thing is to be sure,
Its the old drama with the new twist.
Hate it when this happens.
The jibes, the taunts, the sarcasm.
Something im overly familiar with.
Well, let bygones be bygones.
If im still your friend, i will deeply appreciate it if you stop the taunts.

---------------------------

Ok, at least the dark mental state of mine is slowly fading as I type.
It always helped when I write or blog (in a personal manner) ,
it calms me down and makes everything lighter.
But writing makes my hand ache, and im more attuned to typing now.
(Oh god, what am I supposed to do when i enter uni?!)
-fml-

S0, i read a letter a friend wrote to me previously.
(i love handwritten letters, thats why I like writing them.
pardon the handwriting thou.)
I was deeply touched by what she wrote in it.
Even though she wrote it long before my birthday,
but I hope she's not wrong.
That I have not change drastically or turned for the worst.
Because I slowly think I am.

It hurts horribly when you think you are getting worst,
when you start getting over paranoid and such.
Like you get scared whether can you fit into the social circle,
without feeling awkward.
Because my 'fight or flight' system comes up, and I choose the latter.
I run, like a rhino... from these situations.
Hide or cover things up with white lies.
To save my awkward ass from burning.
Its dreadful.

Now, my blog posting sounds like a confession.
-chuckles to self-
Oh well, transparency is the policy.

"Be honest with others and yourself."

-----------------------------

To sum things up..
I have to pull up my pants and my socks..
No matter how dreaded I may be with going forward into the future.
I have to do it.
(Im unwilling to move out of my comfort zone.)
So, its going to take alot of effort to pull this off.

I would have to keep moving on even if it with trepidation.
Im just so worried what the future holds now.
So worried and afraid, that I wouldnt take another step out.
I need to coax myself to 'dip my toe' into the cold waters,
or someone please just shove me in.
Urgh.

-----------------------

For now, I have to live with the constant naggings.
Bless me.

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words spilled @ 5/13/2011 01:18:00 AM / > leave goosebumps here ⋄