Like a sunflower.

Monday, January 09, 2012, 1/09/2012 02:56:00 PM

"A new beginning starts at every end"

My cousin got her results back!

I have 3 younger cousins that are taking their O levels results.

She was upset that her score wasnt up to standard.

It was great (as compared to mine)

But I did see..

She studied really hard.

If I did previously, maybe I would have did better.

This brought back memories.

Sad memories.

4 years ago, it was I.

I remember the first time I took my results.

I was telling myself..

Please.. dont fail

But well..

Apparently, Heaven didnt want me to faint or die of heart attack.

It allowed me to see my O level results.

An exaggerated version.

I dreamnt of 29 points.

Then on the day itself, I opened that letter.

And I started bawling.

First, I was relieved that it wasn't like the predicted.

But then it was no better.

I got a RAW score of 26.

After my **CCA points ,

it was 25.

THE.SAME.NUMBER.LIKE.MY.BIRTH.DATE.

what the fuckery fuck?

Ok la, die.

The first things through my mind is..

I cant go any school.

Because my paper only states limited school.

I was devastated.

I cried.

Then my mom called.

Well, it was horrid.

She was like "well, it was expected."

Oh well then.

I was heartbroken.

My teachers were kinder, nicer and gentler.

Psssh.

Ohwell, my own mom.

How nice.

But well, its her la.

She is always like that.

her sarcasm can burn through walls.

Aiya.

Then have to hide results from relatives.

Hide here hide there.

but in the end, still kena shoot.

Ok la,

i give up!

I just went my way into RP.

Met good friends there.

Friends.. smart ones.

Very thankful to them too.

Because I could freely tell them whats my L1R5.

Without feeling embarrassed.

With my family.

Its like a pride there.

I think i must be adopted.

But fuck, I look too much like my dad.

~~Maybe I got a different mom.~~

ah, what the fuck.

But also..

I think I must do better in the future.

Because I always have a mind set thats states..
"Can pass, can already."

Now must strive better!

JIAYOU!

Maybe I should be like my cousin.

Go take up course.

JIAYOU!

Labels: memories, nostalgia, o level, rants

Friday, July 22, 2011, 7/22/2011 06:08:00 PM

Sometimes, to control one's emotions takes power.

Abusing my blog again.. by ranting.

Im sorry, this makes me looks like I am filled with angst at all time.

But im not..

Im just having my bad days today,

and I have taken in too much negative comments from others..

But also, im harboring negative thoughts lately.

Its difficult not to, because I tend to repeat those negative stuff people says to me.

And it kinda leads me to think about other negative stuff.

xue(3) jia(1) chen(2) shuang(1)

cant type chinese here, so put pinyin.

It means, add snow become a blanket of snow. (or smthing like that)

Yeaa, so im pretty upset about things I hear.

And seriously, i have low self esteem..

My self esteem is like a lizard,

but I tend to mentally boost myself to look like a frill lizard.

Go google whats frill lizard.

So yeaaaa, I am not exactly someone who is confident.

But I know how to feign it at times.

Especially when things are going my way, and whenever im happy.

I tend to feel confident.

But deep down low, I have very lowwww self esteem.

lol, damn sad.

Thats why im not one who can withstand psychological taunting or comments.

Regarding.. my weight and size and appearance..

And these few days, these has been coming out from someone I dont like.

Im close to hating this person but not yet.. (soon , i think)

And it hurts.

Hello, Im not made of steel, wood, or any inanimate object in this universe.

Im a damn human, who (over)thinks, emotional and really sensitive.

Also, I have very low self esteem.

(Dont freaking abuse the knowledge that I have low self esteem)

You can gtfo of my friendship, if you are like that.

And fuck you.

So, yup.

I was feeling really raw from all this comments chaffing the past few days.

And it didnt help that he had to rub my wound again.

Laughing at what I eat, how i do things, my size, my skin condition.

Ohplease, DO I NOT FUCKING KNOW THAT?!

I have someone close to me CONSTANTLY reminding me that I have my dad genes.

Yea, my mother.

So I dont need to have you shooting bullets through me.

Thank you so much.

I dont know, I am filled with angst and stuff.

But cannot be helped, cos I cant UNTHINK all these upset stuff.

And fyi ; things said to a child..

Will always remain with a child.

Trust me, it takes constant reminder/praise (not excessive) that a child is good..

To make this child grow up strong in his cognitive ways.

But all it takes, is ONE 1 negative comment..

And you will be gunning down those self confidence a kid tries hard to develop.

Why am I so sure about this?

Been there and done that.

Im so upset about this.

Really.

Dont need to add to the stuff I face at work.

I still have half a saturday to go through.

I wanna request alternate saturdays off. ):

Please, 3 months probation.

Please hurry up.

Ok, ranting completed.

Trying to calm down now.

Time to delete teh cookies from the desktop.

Ciao. <3

Oh, yenxi..!

I MISS YOU ALOT. :D

I cant wait for november/december.

XOXO girlfriend~!

Labels: rants, stress, upset

Saturday, June 18, 2011, 6/18/2011 12:02:00 AM

"It's happening again.."

What is?
My friendship woes..
It sucks, really..
Maybe it was my fault..
But I'm too obnoxious to admit that..

Well, I lost her as a friend..
It's sad..
We kicked off pretty well..
Then it crumbled when I took her for granted..
Bad habits die hard..

Maybe if I start thinking deeper..
It will help?
I really don't know..
I want to go back to when we first started..

The first time we went shopping,
And I realized how much I love you as my friend..
That I thought u finally had such an awesome friend I can click with..
And I thought I could have that selfish thoughts having you as my BFF..
(ok, BFF is a taboo word..)
I try not to use it because bad things happen when you label your friends as BFFs..
-shudders-

(wait.. I want to clarify or make something clear before I continue..)
I have a handful of best friends..
I did some housekeeping to my friendships..
All my friendships are different..
They are all different experiences to me.
The differences in that,
is the experience I have experienced with that friend..
but ALL my friendships (close ones) are very important to me..
So, please understand that the way I handle my friendship with different people are different..
I may have not used the right method to handle our friendship..
That was failure in my part..

Allow me to continue..
I have never, ever dreamed of having a friend like you.
I was really very happy when I was with you..
Because I felt that I could connect with you..
And I told you things I felt I could pull out my mouth with others..
I trusted you, I still trust you..
Because you are still that friend I know..
But you have took up the role of being another person BFF..
That is my loss..

honestly, I really miss you.
Pride has taken me over..
But partly, the reason why I'm not going to patch is up.
Is because I know I have already lost the friendship we once had.
It's going to be different now..
Especially, what you told me that day..
Your friendship with your ex best friend no longer felt the same.
That is what I fear..
Because being the selfish me..
I would want the friendship to regain to what it was before this friendship died.

I'm a spoiled person.
Spoiled by you..
For always being so nice and attentive to me.
Texting me and being worried..
You know, rarely anyone gives me a shit.
Maybe they did once, then they gave up..
But you didn't give up..
Thank you for being such a gracious friend..
Because you are always forgiving..
I'm sorry for not working hard on this friendship..

I miss you, my friend.
It sucks to have lost a friend like you.
I should have known that I should have held on.
But sucks to be me, isn't it?

People would never know how to treasure before they lose it.
It always apply to me.
Maybe I have shit loads of friends who have been worrying..
But I just thought they would be there for me , cos they just would be.
An obnoxious thinking..

I want you as my friend again..
Can we go back to what we were in school..?
My friend, I miss you..
曾经拥有。

I'm sorry.

Labels: friends issues

Saturday, June 04, 2011, 6/04/2011 11:25:00 PM

" Sometimes the smartest person can be pretty dumb.. "

Ok, so the first post after i changed my blog link. (:

weeee!

~~ok, so many things changed!~~

I am employed.. and life still kinda sucked.

So yea..

But i have this nagging feeling in me, and its very hard for me to talk.

And now, as in talking to my family has been..

INCREASINGLY HARD.

I dont know.

Maybe it was like that since last time.

Then I created a fantasy in my head thinking that everything was pretty fine.

And my mom was cool and so on.

(yea, she is cool.. and scary)

So its pretty much nonsense thou.

Pfffft.

Kinda sucks.

Cos I feel as if I am going throu the '16 year old' phase again.

Nobody understands what you are saying.

Sigh, and sometimes people around you can be such jerks.

Esp brothers.

Sigh, he can be sooo nice.

But sometimes it feels as if he suddenly had his period and starts PMS-ing.

Its really annoying.

Also, the worst thing is he's pretty smart.

(As compared to me)

Sidenote: I think my IQ has dropped rapidly these days

So whenever we quarrel on something, its difficult to have something smart thrown at him.

Even if its smart, he will just throw it back at you and make you look stupid.

Urgh, fuck.. right?

Interacting with him is like interacting with a timebomb.

With no indication when it will blow.

It is easy to have a conversation with him.

But when he gets cranky, oh man..

I avoid his path.

So its dangerous.

Thats a reason I interact very little with him at times.

He can be very nice and very nasty.

But at least he isnt 2 faced, cos he can be super duper straightforward and stubborn.

The worst side of a human being.

The nice and the nasty

Ooo, ok.

im done ranting.

I FEEL SO GOOOD!

Sigh, I so do not want to go work on mondays. ):

it sucks.

The worse thing is to handle something which they said to set an expectation for.

Siao.

How can I??!

Sian sian sian sian sian

Labels: rants, sian, upset, work

Friday, May 13, 2011, 5/13/2011 01:18:00 AM

"A step at a time. A milestone "

So, im officially left without the strings of freedom

and am not allowed to make any excuses for not working.

How dreadful.

Yeahyeah, I know.

'Stop being a lazy bone?'

Cant help it, I AM a lazy person.

Sigh, but staying at home is something one should not do.

Its bad for the health, it strains on your friendship (some) ,

your mental states gets wayyy twisted.

Its horrible.

Something I tried and experienced,

but I 'die-die' dont want to snap out of it.

Now I am questioning myself daily..

'Whats wrong with you, you lazy-as-hell woman'

Sigh, its bad.

On one side; moaning and dreading of working.

while the other ;

moans too about staying at home and getting grilled for not getting a job.

Its not cool when you get grilled in this manner.

It sucks, ALOT.

So, why is staying at home (for too long) not a good thing.

Here's why ;

1. Sleep late, wake up late.

Why do I sleep late?

Because I am doing something unproductive

like watching shows or staring at the TV for hours.

Ask me what am i good at..

I can sit at the TV for hours and still watch reruns of anything

that involves good looking guys and interesting plot.

You see?! UNPRODUCTIVE.

*strangles self*

So I can watch and surf the net for hours till wee mornings or mornings.

6am to be precise.

Yea, ship me off to America.

I think I would do ok there.

So to compromise the lack of sleep my body thought is needed.

It makes me sleep additional time, as compared to what I require.

Prolly 7 & 8 hours is enough.

Nope, my body makes me sleep till 3 0r 4pm.

You see, half of my day just goes 'poof'.

And the cycle begins again.

Im gonna look like a grandma by the age of 30.

I better sleep early.

(Oh, surprise. It's 1am and im still typing away.)

So,yeah. That's number 1 for u.

-----------------

2. Your cognitive thinking goes awry.

The 'thinking' department has never been under my forte.

Never,ever, ever,ever.

I cant think straight at times, even when im sober.

Sometimes, I dont think before I speak.

I take a long time to think through decisions.

But,never ending up making a wise one.

So, adding up what has been said in number 1.

Not enough sleep + someone who lacks brilliance in the thinking department

= haywired mess.

Results are proven to be horrid.

Need not mention horrid twice, because its already is.

Hah!

(You see; NOT THINKING)

gosh.

Plus, studies showed that people

lacking sleep or having too much sleep will cause health issues.

1. You die early.

2. Your cognitive areas kinda starts to get haywired.

(These terms are not textbook terms)

Oh, and another..

Your memory starts failing you.

You see, this is 'bollocks' and ridiculous.

So, you see..

This and that adds up to the current anxiety I posses.

I think too much and at times think too little.

But either ways, its causing me ALOT of trouble.

So yea, Im turning into an emo nemo or emo bitch.

(minus the slashing, unless thinking of doing it is included)

3. You social skills deteriorates (in a landslide manner).

Previously, I get awkward.

Now, im horridly awkward.

I cant find the right words for the right time.

And whenever I get the hint of awkwardness,

I wanna kill myself.

This is also the dark side of being at home for too long.

You do not interact much, you stop going out and have a life.

Its horrible.

And you think about weird stuff.

----------------------------------------

Sigh.

(Have been sighing alot lately)

Grandpa told mum that bad luck follows when you sigh.

Hmm..

So I have another cycle.

I sigh because i think im in a bad situation, then bad luck tags along..

So another bad situation, and another sigh, and another bad luck.

Never ends.

So, eunice stop sighing.

----------------------

Well, permit me to sigh again.

This is necessary.

I have come to see that some of my friendship webs have gone down south.

Well, it happened before and it happens again.

So kinda its my fault.

But,allow me to defend myself..

(2 hands to clap and make a sound)

But that was in defense, so I shall not be charged.

Why would I say that?

Im not finger pointing, I do admit Im in the wrong.

And well, just leave it to that.

But one thing is to be sure,

Its the old drama with the new twist.

Hate it when this happens.

The jibes, the taunts, the sarcasm.

Something im overly familiar with.

Well, let bygones be bygones.

If im still your friend, i will deeply appreciate it if you stop the taunts.

---------------------------

Ok, at least the dark mental state of mine is slowly fading as I type.

It always helped when I write or blog (in a personal manner) ,

it calms me down and makes everything lighter.

But writing makes my hand ache, and im more attuned to typing now.

(Oh god, what am I supposed to do when i enter uni?!)

-fml-

S0, i read a letter a friend wrote to me previously.

(i love handwritten letters, thats why I like writing them.

pardon the handwriting thou.)

I was deeply touched by what she wrote in it.

Even though she wrote it long before my birthday,

but I hope she's not wrong.

That I have not change drastically or turned for the worst.

Because I slowly think I am.

It hurts horribly when you think you are getting worst,

when you start getting over paranoid and such.

Like you get scared whether can you fit into the social circle,

without feeling awkward.

Because my 'fight or flight' system comes up, and I choose the latter.

I run, like a rhino... from these situations.

Hide or cover things up with white lies.

To save my awkward ass from burning.

Its dreadful.

Now, my blog posting sounds like a confession.

-chuckles to self-

Oh well, transparency is the policy.

"Be honest with others and yourself."

-----------------------------

To sum things up..

I have to pull up my pants and my socks..

No matter how dreaded I may be with going forward into the future.

I have to do it.

(Im unwilling to move out of my comfort zone.)

So, its going to take alot of effort to pull this off.

I would have to keep moving on even if it with trepidation.

Im just so worried what the future holds now.

So worried and afraid, that I wouldnt take another step out.

I need to coax myself to 'dip my toe' into the cold waters,

or someone please just shove me in.

Urgh.

-----------------------

For now, I have to live with the constant naggings.

Bless me.

Labels: aspects of my life, future, milestone, rantings, worries

Saturday, May 07, 2011, 5/07/2011 02:23:00 AM

"Prove to me otherwise."

BLOG,
WHY ARE YOU SO DEAD?

i havent blogged about anythang at all.
its so sad.
Anw, I went to taiwan during march..
with my best friends.
Well, it was close to perfect.
They were the ones who were perfect.
Not me. :/

Anyhoo, im gonna graduate soon.
Blah, having interpersonal relationship problems.
its bad. -rawrs-
but ohwell, gonna take it slowwww.

im rotting.
pssssh~

ok, im gonna change my blog address.
yay yay yay!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011, 1/12/2011 10:42:00 PM

"And it goes down from here..."

Ahh, as I am blogging this.
I am slowly edging to the end of Week 11 of my 3rd year.
So fast.

I still remember I was complaining and contemplating of quitting school in year 1.
I was asking "wtf, did i come this school. Should I just go ITE?"
Then, things became positive.
The people I met, the things I was learning.
I was counting down by days.
During year 2 sem 2 I was saying..
"I wanna graduate.. FAST!"

Now I am pretty much thrown off guard.
Because I am going to graduate in a few weeks.
Then thats my next step in my life.
Work? Studies? Or what?
Confusing and really daunting for me.
(I never plan. Always impromptu)

Bad habit that must be kicked.

So, just I kinda went to see my results.
and bla, i still failed my science.
waste my money and time.
Sorry mommy. ):
Remind to self; email Rowena about it.

Anywhoo..
I am getting really frustrated.
I do not know whether is this frustration directed to my self..
Or directed to people who caused this frustration.

You know what I am always trying to please you.
Trying to make conversations, (I try hard not to make it awkward)
But!!! In the end, I feel as if I am talking to myself.
Very angry and upset at the same time.
Its funny how I want to talk and understand you people.
Yet, I just can bite my lips.
To prevent any more awkward moments.

Seriously, I felt really exhausted once I left.
its the same feeling I felt previously.
Always this suffocating and unbearing tension.
I feel, I rather go alone (and I did feel better when I was alone)
How contradicting.
I seeked for companionship, but I felt so much better alone.

I just have to remind myself,
its ok. I do not need to please everyone.
Let it be.
So, inner me..
Please dont feel upset when you feel left out.
Its not really that bad anyway.

Enough of my ranting..
Anywhooooo!!!
I am learning how to play the guitar, AGAIN!!
:D
Bro teaching me power chords, and apparently..
Those chords can be used for different songs~
Awesome much?!
Learning how to play Dashboard Confessional's
Belle of the Boulevard.

From verse 1 to chorus is done.
Just need to get the hang of the finger placement and long pauses.
lol~
Hopefully, by some time..
I can know how to play a full song~
:D

Indeed, my dog (pudding) and music (guitar) calms me down.
Because after hugging Pudding and practising on my guitar.
I felt so tired that I slept for 3 hours~
Thats why Im blogging at 11pm now.
Very energetic now.
But after this, I need to revise psychology (P6-10)
so i can coach a friend.

Like WTFBBQ, right?
Eunice is teaching people. -.-
I hope i dont screw up neither screw my friend's grade up.
Please!

ok la, gotta go revise.
Ohya, I miss my eyecandy~

Labels: all things rushed, day in school, friends, fyp, issues, problems, study