"Do you know what you are living for?"

For me, I am not sure.
I dont have any goals at the moment.
I see my friends having their own goals and targets.
They have their own lives to live.

I am still sitting on the fence, unsure and afraid of whats about to come.
I dont even know whether the next step I take, will lead me to anywhere.
I constantly evade my self-evaluation.
I do not know, what if once I evaluate my life..
And I know there is no way for me to go, what would I do.

I have a feeling, I am no longer using my mind.
I am just following the constant pattern.
Do what I was programmed for.
I no longer think.

That maybe the reason why the way I speak and write have dropped in standards.
I no longer have the correct word to describe how I am feeling.
I will instead use the word 'awesome' , 'great', 'fine',
even though I know I am not feeling the same.

It gets really horrible when I get angry at petty issues.
I would start to suspect what people are doing behind me.
I get paranoid, and I start thinking.

I am really losing my sanity here.
Maybe I am losing myself as a person.
The worst of it all, I do not want to move away from what I am doing now.
I feel perfectly fine even I screwed my life up.
Only a tinge of fear engulfs me when I think of whats going to happen for the moment.
Was I either going to get a scolding down?
Or would the cane come out of the cupboard like my childhood nightmares.

Then, after a short moment.
The fear goes away, but instead its taken over by defiance.
Anger, and hatred takes over my fear.
I wanted to defy, to fight back.
Scream, shout, throw things, punch or fight.
If I was beaten, I would fight back.
Thats what I would think.
My fear has escalated into anger and fury.

After the anger and fury dissipates, remorse and sadness takes over.
Normally after a small action or followed up chains of actions.
For example, like what my mother did.
She didnt scold, like usual.
Only to appear normal, talking to me in that soft tone.
At that point, I rather she came into my room to scold me.
Instead of pretending that everything is alright.

Right after sadness, it would be the 'self-talk' phase.
Where I would reason with myself.
Like to do better next time, and not let this happen again.
But when I think about it, other thoughts gets into my head.
The defiant thoughts would creep back in.

So, when the self talk phases gets settles.
I would temporarily be encouraged and tell myself;
"I would do better tomorrow"
But in the end, I do not do it.

Which takes me back to the unhealthy circle back there.
I repeat my cycle once again.
I wonder, what can end my misery..
And end the misery of others..?
Because I am seriously, tiring everyone out.
Including myself.
I am getting tired of myself that I am pretty much convinced at times, where ending is good.

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I am too difficult to maintain.
I am too difficult to understand.
I have many faces, you haven't seen.
Maybe those weren't what I wanted you to see.
I am so different.
Different in many different people's eyes.

I need to end this.
Because, I have already seen people giving up on me one by one.
One day, when I give up on myself.
Dont pull me back up anymore.
I am tired.
Maybe I just want to sleep forever.

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If i left, my parents wouldnt be so upset.
At least, my brother is here.
He's better, smarter, popular.
He isnt much of a trouble
Cos, I am the trouble maker.
I dont produce results efficiently.
I cant be smart, neither hardworking.
If I left..
They wouldnt need to spend so much money on me.
They wouldnt need to split their attention.
Even though, the attention for me is minimal.
But..still
They could leave it for him.
Cos even in the animal kingdom...
The best offsprings always lived.
I know, I dont belong to the 'Survival of the Fittest'
I never will.

And maybe when I leave, I would know..
Then, how many people would weep for me.
And maybe then..
It would be all too late.

I do not know, if writing this piece will cause me anything.
Maybe, writing this isnt good.
As it maybe unlucky.
But this is how I feel now.
I seriously, do not have anywhere to let this out now.

I could only talk to silence with written words.
Thats all I was here for.

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I will think of what I wanna say when I think of it. PEACE OUTTTTTTTTT.